As some (read: none) of you may already know, I start a new “weblog” every few weeks. Why? The short answer is because I have so damn much to write. The longer answer is that the short answer is a lie and I keep choosing bad hosts. As a result, I’m now trying WordPress. Moreover, I’m trying it with “comedic essays,” rather than the typical blogger’s “OH GOD WHY IS MY FOOT WET? I DID NOT STEP IN ANY PUDDLES, BUT IT IS WET!” nonsense. I’m sure some of you (I’ve already started with the comedy–I’m pretending that someone is reading this! Hahahahahahahahahaha, get it?) are not sure what I am talking about, especially with the hypothetical man hypothetically screaming about some hypothetical feet. I’ll explain.
A weblog, as I define it, is a website for desperate writers to expand on their twitter accounts. Rather than writing 140-ish characters on how delicious their sandwich is, they write 400 words on how delicious their sandwich is (and, in the previous example, how wet their feet are). Sometimes it can be interesting. Most of the time it is not. That’s where I come in. You see, I don’t eat many sandwiches. Hell, I don’t even like a lot of sandwiches. How am I supposed to bore you with pointless discussions about sandwiches? I’m not. Well, no, I probably will at some point. But, I won’t make it boring. At this point, you’re probably thinking to yourself “HOLD ON A FLYING-FUCKING-ASTRO-SECOND ZACH! HOW CAN A SANDWICH NOT BE BORING? IT’S JUST BREAD WITH SEVERAL DIFFERENT INGREDIENTS TOSSED ON!” Well, let me answer that in two parts. First: stop yelling at me. It’s really impolite and you’re beginning to hurt my feelings. Second: If I tell you that, then I’ll be ruining all my secrets (yes, all of them). I just need you to trust me and my abilities to make sandwiches interesting. When have I ever lied to you (don’t think about the question, just answer it with “never”)? That’s right, never. I’ve never told a fib in my entire life. Not once. Why would I start now? Riddle me that, Mr. Smartypants. Riddle me that.
Now, as I look back on our time spent together over the last few minutes, I realize that the words (and I use the term lightly) “weblog” and “blog” look exceptionally stupid. I mean, just look at them. It’s like someone smeared letters together with a monkey’s rectum. Why would anyone be proud of a “blog” when it has such a stupid name? It’s like being proud of having the name “Phuck.” Sure, it’s funny at first, but when you get arrested for indecent exposure for a joke at Phuck’s expense, the laughter stops. A joke can only go so far. With this in mind, I’ve decided to no longer refer to this as a “blog” or “weblog.”
As I mentioned earlier, I do not plan on writing about either sandwiches or wet feet on this . Instead, I’m going to write helpful tips on how to make it through life. You know, answer some of those hard-hitting questions like “What do I do if I’m in the middle of the desert and I encounter a polar bear?” or “What kind of taco is the best kind of taco?” The brain-busters that keep people awake at night. Occasionally, I may write about some wonderful sandwiches or how to dry one’s feet, but that will still be helpful enough to answer even your most repressed question about the topic. So, you best keep reading this. You wouldn’t want to end up in the middle of the desert, surrounded by polar bears with your feet in buckets full of water, without the knowledge of how to survive, would you? No, you wouldn’t. You god damn wouldn’t. So keep your face staring at this exact spot and wait for me to continue writing something awesome. And, remember, everything I say is a fact (false).