Mysterious Chuck’s Unisex Book of Dating and Pickup Artistry

Chuck’s here to revive your dying dating life!

Let’s face it: When it comes to relationships, you’re trash. You’re better off writing a book on thermonuclear fusion than you are on getting a date. That’s okay. You’re normal, you’re average. Everyone has to start somewhere. That’s why I’m here, that’s why Mysterious Chuck is here to take you on this rollercoaster of success that isn’t afraid of going up and going down (ladies). If you bought this guide, it’s because you’re ready to toss on your party-shorts, pick up some men/women, and get this whole “dating game” won. It means you’re in the right mind-set to start attracting the opposite sex, ready to become a sex-machine that runs purely on sex and some sort of premium motor oil. It means you’re ready.

Whoa, slow down there champ. You’re not actually ready. No, far from it. You just started reading this guide, you’re no more prepared than you were five minutes ago. Maybe you’re slightly more literate, but that isn’t really going to help much. Unless you’re into librarians (which I am), but I still don’t think it will help much. I haven’t even scratched the surface of pickup artistry. Get those party-shorts off and put your business pants back on, we still need to go through the basics.

Hang on there, cowboy. You think you’re ready for the basics? That’s a joke, right? You don’t even know the fundamentals. How can you tie your shoes if you don’t even have shoes yet? (That’s a metaphor. We’re not even in the shoe-game right now.) Take those business pants off and put on your school trousers.

PART i: THE FUNDAMENTALS

Please note that this is part “i.” That isn’t the roman numeral “I,” meaning one. No, that is the letter “i,” as in √-1. You aren’t even up to real numbers yet. That’s pathetic. Let’s get you some numbers.

I am going to break down the four main factors of attraction for you right here and now. These are the basic fundamentals for every gender, whether you’re man, woman, or man-woman. Ready? It’s going to be fast. SCHLONGCOINSBICEPSBOOKS. That’s it. Did you catch it? It went by pretty quickly. Let me slow this down a bit for you, since we both know you’re not the fastest learner. Schlongs. Coins. Biceps. Books. Boom, done. That’s all there is to it. If you can master these fundamentals, you can attract anybody. Kate Upton? Please. More like Kate Upto-date-you. Adam Levine? More like Adam Levin-with-you. Heath Ledger? More like—no, wait. Not Heath Ledger. These fundamentals do not work on the dead or even the very recently deceased (especially the very recently deceased).

Let’s start with the first of the fundamentals: Schlongs. We’ve all got one. Girls, yours is harder to find – but I assure you it is there. The schlong is the most important aspect of the rules of attraction. Guys, let’s be honest here. We all know the primary thing women look for in a man: Schlongs. They look specifically, and almost only, for schlongs. The bigger the schlong, the more responsible and agile the owner—it’s basic evolution, look it up.

“Wow, that’s incredibly logical and insightful, but how does this apply to women?” That’s easy: Because women have spent so long seeking out schlongs in relationships, men now base their primary sense of attraction on schlongs as well. That’s right: Men seek female schlongs.

Ladies, like we were all taught in elementary school, you have an internal schlong. As a female looking to entice a male, it is crucial that you enhance your inner-schlong to display it to the world. Let everyone see that you are wielding a schlong not to be reckoned with, that you are the owner of pure might easily mistook for a third phantom arm. Men look for this might intrinsically, they seek the schlong without even realizing it—on pure instinct. If you can learn to flex your inner schlong, like a man curling weights with his outer schlong, you can have any male fawning over your every movement.

Moving on to the second fundamental: Coins. (see fig. 1) This one is simple. It’s almost too simple. I can’t believe I need to explain it to you. I’m not going to judge you, but, come on. This is ridiculous. Did you even go to school? Well, anyway: Coins. The essence of any level of attraction comes from coins. Not money, not dollars, not check books, not credit cards. Coins. The more coins you have, the more attractive you are.

A recent study by The Journal of Human Relations, Evolutionary Chemistry, and Lovemaking, performed by Dr. Greenberg…stein and Dr. Goldburgbaumrosenstein, found that, in 100% of cases, the individual with the most coins in his or her pocket attracted the most tail (which is scientific jargon for human relations). It didn’t matter if it was pennies, nickels, or silver dollars. Whoever had the most coins, making the most noise, attracted the most people.

Notice how I said “noise.” That is interesting, isn’t it? Think about that: Noise. How often do you hear noise? Once a day? Three times a day? TEN times a day? More than that. Scientific studies show the average human hears sound over ONE HUNDRED times a day and will continue to do so for their entire lives. So why wouldn’t sound be a major contributing factor in relations? That’s a trick question: it is. It totally is. Sound is the second most important factor in relations, regardless of gender. But not just any sound, no. You can’t walk around with mice in your pocket, squeaking away, and assume you’re going to convince that minx Hilary Clinton to come back to your room. No, the secret lies with coins. The noise has been proven by numerous studies to link the human mind to relations of an intimate nature. This most likely hearkens back to an earlier time, in which cave men would carry rocks in their pockets as they performed their mating dances. The coins act as a similar catalyst.

If you are going to have any hope of attracting the opposite sex, you damn well better have your pockets filled—quite literally—to the very top with coins. It doesn’t matter your gender, just stuff those pockets and make ‘em jingle as you walk. I guarantee that potential mate will be foaming at the mouth the moment you stroll by, coins clanging as you waddle.

BICEPS. Whoa, that came out of nowhere, didn’t it? That’s part of what makes this next step so important. Girls love biceps. Guys, that means you need to be flexing your biceps literally twenty-four hours a day.

If you–as a man–sleep with your arms relaxed, you are already failing this course (this is also now a course).

A man’s arms should be flexed to the point of incredible, excruciating pain around the clock. Why? Because the biceps’ peak is directly related to the attraction a woman has to a man. The sharper the peak, the more attractive you are. So you better head down to the gym and turn every day into arm day, because you’re already slacking (and remember to focus specifically on training those peaks). If you can fit your arm through the sleeve of your shirt—regardless of what size shirt you’re wearing—you’re not there yet. Girls think you’re disgusting. You’re getting nowhere. Stop it, it’s disgraceful. Go to the gym right now and do the following routine: standing dumbbell curl, seated hammer curl, standing preacher curl, seated concentration curl, standing barbell curl, chin up, standing cable curl, and finish with a quick set of seated, standing, prone dumbbell-barbell-cable-chin-up curl. Now repeat that twice a day for the rest of your life.

Women. Look at you, just thinking about biceps. I know it is distracting, but you need to stop. Why? Because this step applies to you as well. Except it isn’t in quite the same way. No, it’s the opposite, in fact. When it comes to attraction, you want negative biceps. Stop. Read that again. Negative biceps. I didn’t say “no biceps,” I said negative. What does that even mean? It means your biceps should be so small that they literally go inwards to the bone. Your arms should have an indent. It should go shoulder—what is this hill over here?—elbow. No stop on this local train for Bicepville, it doesn’t even exist anymore. It’s just a slight downward hill straight to Elbowton. Everyone that used to live there is now homeless and starving to death.

Guys look for girls based almost specifically on their lack of biceps. The smaller it is, the more the man can feel secure with his constantly flexed arms. He knows you will never be able to open a pickle jar, that he can always be the one to save you. So if you want to attract a man into your life, at any point, you better stop those thirty sets of eighty curls you do in the gym and get off that elliptical. Focus entirely on your inner thighs and glutes instead. Use that weird hip machine you all sit in for twenty minutes as you flash your ‘gina whilst reading Fifty Shades of Grey. That’s it. Nothing else. Leave the biceps curls all-day-every-day to the men.

Finally, we come to the least important fundamental: Books. This, again, is unisex. It doesn’t matter who you are trying to attract. Books are pretty important.

Note that I did not say “reading” or “book learning,” I said “books.” That is because I am specifically referring to books, literature, things with papery pages that also have printed words on them. No, not a tablet. Not a comic book. A book.

Fellas, girls love guys that are smart. It shows you keep words in that brain of yours, and use those words to have good conversations and talk good at people; it shows you probably know a ton about politics and have a ravishing opinion on the economy; it shows that you know impressive words like “ravishing”; it shows that you spend time learning about the sciences and are likely to discover a new element that results in the gift of gab. Books show that you are smart.

The book is the secret fundamental of attraction. Unlike coins, schlongs, and biceps, you don’t need to work to get books. You simply grab a book, hold it in your hand, and watch as the girls fall to your feet. Doesn’t matter what the book is—it could be Mein Kampf for all I care. As long as it has a front and a back, and some words in the middle, girls are going to look at you like you’re chocolate wrapped in money. We both know you’re an idiot, but the book is your simple, no-work-needed, solution into a visualization of intelligence. Grab a book, toss it under your arm, and watch the women migrate to you like a flock of geese heading for a sexy Cancun winter.

Ladies, the book operates in a similar manner for you as it does for guys. Us men love an educated woman. It means she can talk about stuff we like, such as engines, professional wrestling, different flavors of root beer, and barbecues. Unlike guys, though, you don’t want just one book, and it can’t be simply any book you find. You want as many books as possible, but they must be on relevant topics. The aforementioned man-interests are crucial, of course, but so are the typical lady reads: Cook books, kitchen appliance manuals, laundry guides—the regular stuff that show men you’re still a delicate woman underneath. If this means carrying a backpack filled to the brim with books, so be it. You want to attract the other sex, right? Well you better be ready to start going to extremes: The more on-point books you have, the better.

Remember, guys see books in much in the same way girls view biceps: The larger the stack, the more intelligent and intimate the person. Plus, having a tower of books shows you’re reading for more than yourself, thus, you are fertile and raring to go. It shows you are literate and will probably excel in the workforce (but not ahead of your male counterpart if you want to keep this attraction game going). It is key.

So there you have it, the fundamentals. If you want to meet the opposite sex, you better step out that door, flop at schlong as you walk, stuff your pocket to the brim with coins, work/unwork those biceps, and stack your reading material. Simple as that. Fundamentals.

We’ll cover more in the next chapter. That one will be just for the fellas.

PART ONE: THE BASICS FOR MEN

Women, if you’re reading this right now: Please stop. This is not for you. I thought I made that apparent in the title of the chapter with “for men.” I don’t know why you’re reading this. I mean, unless you’re a lesbian. No, you know what? Even if  you’re a lesbian, stop reading. I don’t want to set a standard of making exceptions. Move on to the next chapter, which is for women.

Okay fellas, now that we’re alone, let’s get down to the basics. I want you to close your eyes and imagine a woman. Use one word to describe her. If you said “beautiful,” then you’re already failing this program. Yes, of course women are beautiful. That’s their whole shtick. Women are beautiful, men are grizzly and ferocious.

Then why am I wrong? you’re probably asking yourself. Oh, how naïve. How simple.

You’re wrong because everyone else was thinking “beautiful.” You know what I was thinking? “Inherently great chef.” I wasn’t thinking of the woman in terms of her physical appearance, but I was thinking of women as a whole. I was thinking about what women are good at, more than just looks. Whoa—did I just blow your mind? God damn right I did, this is why Chuck is the master here, and why you are the student. But don’t worry, I’m here to make this clear for you.

When it comes to women, you don’t want to over-simplify them. Don’t go up to a woman and say, “Gee golly, you sure are pretty” with a timid smile. Women hate that. They hear it all the time. They wake up in the morning and the gardener throws a brick through the window, a piece of paper taped to it with the words, “Señora, eres muy bonita” scribbled across it. Every single day. And everyone knows gardeners have the bodies of greek gods: they spend all day outside, working on that sculpted form. Why would you be on her radar? Instead, look beyond their appearance. Look beyond their skin. Look into them. Approach them and say, “Damn, girl, I bet you make some great pancakes on very clean plates.”

Bam. Do you see what I did? I showed the woman that I don’t just care about her looks, I care about her passions (specifically cooking and cleaning). Let that soak in. Her passions. What brings her joy in this world. Sure, being beautiful is probably one of those things, but go beyond that. Women love to cook, they love cleaning, they love children, they love the color pink. These are all facts. Use them in your basic approaches.

We’ll cover more in the next chapter.