Chuck Encounters a Malfunctioning Tree
Chuck studied the pine tree towering up toward the crisscrossed powerlines overhead. He never did consider himself an expert in trees—an arborist, as he thought one might be called—but this […]
Category Archives: Chuck Tales
Chuck Tales is a series of stories involving Chuck, a frequently ignorant, racist, and misogynistic character. It might always be the same Chuck in different stages of his life, but I won’t say (because I don’t know).
Chuck Tries Not to Fall Off the Earth
Chuck stared up at the asphalt of the schoolyard basketball court, his neck straining slightly as he considered Dave’s request. On one hand, he’d always enjoyed playing basketball. Sure, he […]
Detective Chuck Investigates an Obvious Self-Decapitation
Chuck softly kicked the severed head lying on the concrete parking lot floor, watching as it rolled a few inches before coming to a stop beside a small piece of […]
Chuck Makes a Blood Sacrifice at the DMV
Chuck glanced down at the watch on his wrist, his left foot tapping steadily on the pearl tiled floor. He knew beforehand that his visit to the Department of Motor Vehicles wouldn’t […]
Chuck Meets a Surprisingly Vivacious Severed Head
“You all right?” Chuck said, gently kicking the body lying in a rather decapitated fashion atop the otherwise abandoned dirt road. He didn’t look all right. In fact, he looked […]
Chuck Writes a Letter to His Future Self
Chuck had thought the idea was dumb from the get-go, that writing a “letter to his future self” was absolutely daft. Why would that guy care about what Past Chuck […]
Chuck Meets a Manly Gladiator That Is Absolutely Not a His Daughter in Disguise
Chuck stared at the man in the center of the arena, a long, blood-soaked sword clutched in his undeniably masculine grip. Everything about him screamed manly: from the tufts of […]
Chuck Tells the Grittiest, Manliest, Most Testorone-Filled Bedtime Story to His Niece
“What happens next?” Sarah says, her Disney Princess blanket pulled up to just beneath her nose, emerald green eyes locked upon Chuck. “Well,” Chuck says, leaning back against the cedar […]
Chuck Buys a TV on Craigslist and Becomes Bread
“Hey,” Chuck said, glancing back at the flooded street behind him. They were having very peculiar weather that day, the asphalt now concealed in a thick stream of near knee-high […]
Chuck Definitely, Positively Meets a Real Wizard
Chuck stared at the man ahead of him, his snow white beard extending down from his chin to nearly his the middle of his chest. The hair atop his head […]
Chuck Meets Mr. Right, Prince Charming, and a Knight in Shining Armor
“Hi,” the man at Chuck’s door said, closing his eyes as he slowly shook his head, his long, blonde hair flicking out across his face and landing behind his ear. […]
Chuck Meets the Girl of His Dreams Over Skype
Chuck stared at the monitor, the attractive face of his new Skype-pal smiling back at him. She was absolutely stunning, just his type in almost every way. Come to think […]
Chuck is 90% Sure His Waiter is Hitler
Chuck glanced up at the waiter leaning over the table, his arm outstretched as he placed the glass of water down in front of him. He looked so familiar, but […]
Chuck Sacrifices His Life on Behalf of the United States Congress
Chuck smiled as he stepped out onto the congressional floor, a sea of black-tied men, and at least three women, staring back at him in silence. He did feel a […]
Chuck Suffers a Series of Embarrassing Events
Chuck stared at the man in the urinal next to him. He knew it wasn’t right, that it basically went against all social norms to not only use the urinal […]
Chuck Hacks Into the CIA Mainframe
Chuck stared at his monitor, the soft, green glow from the words “Access Granted” causing him to squint slightly. He was in; he’d hacked his way inside the CIA website using […]
Chuck Concludes His Neighbor is a Vaccum Repairman
Chuck stared at the neon green “Open” sign glowing in the window ahead of him. It was a strange place for a vacuum repair shop, considering it was quite literally […]
Chuck is Surrounded by Corporate Zombies
“Hey Chuck,” Brian said, limping into the cafeteria, his right foot dragging behind him as he strolled. He was carrying a pink, half-eaten brain in his left hand, his right […]
Chuck Has an Interspecies Identity Crisis
“What’s this all about?” Chuck said, falling backward into his chair at the kitchen table with a soft thud. “It’s not even 11:00pm yet, why did you throw everyone out?” […]
Chuck Accidentally Decapitates a Man at the Bank
Chuck stared at the crumpled body on the floor, a pool of blood collecting beneath it and blending into its wrinkled yellow cape. This was absolutely not how he’d expected […]
Chuck Investigates a Particularly Fishy Crime Scene
“I don’t think this was an accident,” Detective Greene said, staring down at the body, its torso half covered in a blue tarp. It had clearly been laying there for […]
Dracula Accidentally Contracts Ebola
Chuck shifted slightly, the hospital bed creaking softly as he moved. If he’d wanted to spend the night in another bug-infested room, he could’ve stayed back in West Africa, rather […]
Chuck Moves Into a Not-So-Spooky Haunted House
“Boo,” hissed the sofa, its teeth chomping wildly as it inched closer to him. “Right back at you,” Chuck slurred, grasping the wall for balance as he contemplated whether it […]
Chuck Pretends to be a French Alcoholic
“Pardonnez-moi,” Chuck said, frantically rubbing at the crotch of the man next to him with a ball of what was clearly too many napkins. “Pardonnez-moi, pardonnez-moi!” “It’s okay,” said the […]
President Chuck Learns America’s Greatest Secret
Chuck lifted his hand to his chin and softly scratched at his beard. He still wasn’t entirely used to having one, but his political adviser assured him it was “great […]
Chuck Goes on a Particularly Bad Date
“That was just an appetizer, wait for the main dish!” said the old man, his eyes wide as he proceeded to manually dislocate his own jaw. Chuck stared at the […]
Undercover Chuck and the Chocolate Factory
Chuck stared at the massive box of individually packaged candy on the table next to him. He’d been undercover for almost six months now, countless hours spent in the factory, […]
Chuck Discovers a Whale on the Subway
“Hey,” Chuck said, nudging the guy next to him. “This is the C train, right?” He had rushed to catch the train before it left the station and wasn’t […]
Chuck Saves His Real-Life Sitcom from Cancellation
Chuck wiped the back of his hand across her mouth. They didn’t even realize how close they were to the end, how little time they had left. The executives would […]
Chuck Is Definitely Not a Robot
Chuck scratched his chin, his fingers sliding against his skin with a harsh metallic scrape. The doctor continued staring at him, his face locked in a dumbfounded expression, as if […]
Chuck Smokes Meth and Steals a Car
Chuck stared at the meth pipe now lying by the gas pedal of his 1990 IROC. He wasn’t entirely sure he had smoked it correctly, or if it was actually […]
Chuck Stumbles upon a Severed Head
Chuck glanced down at the severed head in his palm, its eyes staring blankly up at the perpetually dark sky above. It wasn’t as heavy as he thought it would be. Maybe […]
Chuck Accidentally Touches His Swirling Mirror
Chuck stared at the mirror above his bathroom sink. It looked different today. Well, it looked different most days, but typically that was due to how he was standing, what […]
Chuck Has an Argument with His Toaster
Chuck stared at the toaster. It was such a rude device, always insulting his mother as he passed by. Tony, back in fourth grade, had insulted his mother once, said […]
Chuck Considers the Merits of Purchasing a Home in Hell
“I don’t know,” Chuck said, staring at the wall of fire ahead of him. “It looks a little painful for a living room.” Several sharp, metallic hands seemed to be […]
Chuck Comes to a Startling Realization
“Has the sky always been so black?” Chuck said, staring up toward the darkened clouds. They looked odd, he’d never really noticed how peculiar they were. In fact, he wasn’t […]
Chuck Confronts Several Racist Aliens
I didn’t want to send Chuck. Honestly, I would’ve rather gone with Ted. Sure, he was slightly retarded—sorry, mentally impaired—but at least I knew he could be trained. Ted was submissive, […]
Space Rednecks: Protectors of Intergalactic Property
“Hey Chuck.” “Hey Billy Bob.” “You see that there dang pile of rocks in that there corner?” “Sure do,” Chuck said. “I’m thinkin’ that rock pile is givin’ us a […]
The Flawless, Perfect Burden of the Luckiest Man Alive
Chuck slid off the side of his bed so that his feet rested against the floor, then lowered his head into his upturned palms. It was another Saturday, another meaningless […]
Russia Accidentally Catches on Fire
“Hey Dave,” Chuck said, left hand resting against the window as his right hand grasped the bar below it to stabilize himself. “Yeah?” “Remind me, was Russia always on fire?” […]
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