The Seven Habits of Highly Infected People
So you’ve gotten yourself a highly infectious, and potentially deadly, disease. Fantastic! That means you’re well on your way to living a life of luxury, celebrity, and quarantine, right? Not […]
Category Archives: Comedic Essay
Not a traditional essay on the merits of Walt Whitman’s genitals.
Comcast Hires a Teen-Friendly Internet Representitive
Hello Internet Users, Thanks for stopping by my epic post (sorry, just trolling!). My name is Howard and I’m a Comcast representative. Whoa, hang on there Scumbag Steve. Before you attack […]
Jimmy Wales Addresses Wikipedia’s Recent Shutdown
Dear Wikipedia Readers: We’ll get right to it. We’ve never asked for much, maybe a few dollars here and there—to be honest, we’ve averaged maybe $15 in donations. That’s it. Did […]
A Brief History on Why The Industrial Revolution Sucked, Featuring Michael Bay
There have been several time periods throughout history, upwards of fifty I’ve heard, but the industrial revolution was, without a doubt, the crappiest. I’m not going to pretend I’m some […]
A Review of “The Dark Knight” by a Critic Who Unintentionally Watched the Bootleg Version
I recently watched The Dark Knight, and I must say: for all the acclaim it has received, I really found it, well, bad. The film opens up in what looks […]
The Flippers and Fur of Beauty Incarnate
The moment I saw her was the moment I knew my life would never be the same. The way her hair gently bounced with each step; the way her eyes […]
A Simple Request from a Dying Man Who Really Hasn’t Asked for Much
I don’t ask for much. I really don’t. Yes, I once requested that a live, man-sized catfish be caught and butchered for my pleasure whilst seated in a land-locked vegan […]
The Great Bland
Writing Prompt Given: “Write about 500 years worth of history in a real or made up country/region/planet/whatever” The Great Bland (1300-1899) Taking a break from the riveting, violent history of […]
A Review of Britney Spears’ Albums
Written in January, 1999, “Baby One More Time” was Britney Spears’ “break out CD”–the release that made her a star. Unlike her later CDs, it exemplifies Spears as a “virgin” […]
How to Become a Gym-Rat
First, consider going to the gym. Look in a mirror and lift up your stomach by grabbing a handful of fat. Reflect on all the times your friends said you […]
How to explain to your parents that you’re a starfish.
I wrote this a few months ago as satire to an article I saw about how “wrong it is” to come out of the closet to one’s parents (in terms […]
How to Identify a Terrorist
Terrorism—we’re all familiar with it. We’ve seen the footage and read the articles; we’ve been taught how to survive an attack and when it is appropriate to fight. But, do […]
Look at my shirt. It’s awesome.
Look at my shirt. It’s awesome. It’s absolutely incredible. Do you know why it’s incredible? Well, do you? Of course you do. It’s because it has a picture of a […]
Life Stories: Cow tipping from the point of view of the cow.
This grass is amazing. Holy crap this grass is good. I don’t think I’ve ever had grass as good as this. It’s just incredible. What do they put in th–oh […]
Why sex with a porcupine is a terrible decision.
The porcupine is an interesting rodent. It’s one of the most fashion savvy (as seen through its intricate coat of quills) and in-your-face. Just try to tell a porcupine how […]
Words. On the Internet. 