Comcast Hires a Teen-Friendly Internet Representitive

Comcast Zach Diamond

Here at Comcast, we’re hip to your Internet maymays and lingo. We ain’t no jive turkeys.

Hello Internet Users,

Thanks for stopping by my epic post (sorry, just trolling!). My name is Howard and I’m a Comcast representative. Whoa, hang on there Scumbag Steve. Before you attack me, I just want to be the first to share some great news with you folks here on one of my favorite Internet websites.

You see, we’ve undergone a lot of changes at Comcast, a lot of updates to our core system and our beliefs. We here at Comcast have really been focusing on becoming the Good Guy Greg we know we can be (that’s a meme for you parents out there!). We hope you take a moment to read about how we’re working to better serve you as our customer and our friend.

I’d like to start off by addressing some concerns. We’re not dumb here at Comcast, we know that we don’t exactly have the best “rep.” We know that we may have ranked lower than literally every other company in the United States in a recent poll, and we are aware that our live support has been compared to sawing off one’s limbs using a sharpened hamburger. That’s why I’m here, that’s what brings me to the Internet today: we’ve been working hard to fix what needed mending, and I’d like to let you guys know what we’re doing to become the company you want us to be.

For starters, Comcast has completely revamped its phone support line. No longer are convicted violent offense criminals our trusted phone operators. Instead, we’ve made the positive switch to using those simply convicted of the lesser crimes of bank fraud and identity theft. As you know, most of these convicts tend to be quite tech savvy, having gone to great efforts to steal your money and ruin your credit history. What this means is that our newly-deemed Happiness Coordinators will now be familiar with not only your XFINITY Triple Play bundle, but also with all the great Internet memes we’re all so fond of (I personally love the doge memes and le troll face).

Next, we took a look at our chat support. Previously, all responses were selected from an admittedly lackluster list of three options: “Please restart your computer,” “Please restart your television,” and “Please go fuck yourself.” We realize that list didn’t really apply to absolutely all issues, just the majority. Therefore, we’ve updated our database to include almost a dozen more phrases, including: “Please try reconnecting to the Internet,” “Please restart your computer,” and “Please *kindly* go fuck yourself.” In fact, we were so excited about our new chat support system that we’ve already set it live. Here is an excerpt from a customer who just had her question answered mere seconds ago:

Tammy: Hello, my television is only displaying static.

Comcast Representative: Please restart your computer.

Tammy: But it’s my television…

Comcast Representative: Please restart your television.

Tammy: That didn’t work.

Comcast Representative: Please *kindly* go fuck yourself.

Tammy: Oh! That worked. Thank you so much!

As you can see, we’re getting better results quicker with our new customer support tools.

Of course, we didn’t just stop there. We know that our support line wasn’t the only issue with the business recently titled “The Worst Company in America.” No, to further address concerns, we’ve completely revamped our most popular product bundle: The XFINITY Triple Play package.

Previously, our customers were faced with frustratingly slow download speeds, unfairly expensive television channels, and heavily throttled Internet during peak hours. That was unacceptable, detestable even—I’ll be the first to admit it. Yet I’m glad to say we’ve addressed this concern and have taken huge steps to make the product not only fairer, but—if I do say myself—much more fun. In fact, today we are announcing the immediate cancellation of the XFINITY Triple Play package*. Instead, all customers will be transitioned over to our new Island Vacation Power Bundle.

Previously, our now-defunct XFINITY Triple Play package had an intimidating name: the X tended to scare off some people, with the capital letters making it seem as though we were screaming. Of course, we at Comcast now realize it’s not right to yell at our customers, and therefore have adjusted the name accordingly. Following a brief focus group in which we researched relaxing, comforting terms, the words “Island,” “Vacation,” and “Power” were all approved as comforting and relaxing, while showing our superiority over the competition. As such, the Island Vacation Power Bundle was released.

“But what’s included in the Island Vacation Power Bundle,” you ask?

Well, it will be the same products you know and love, with one major improvement: it is no longer called XFINITY Triple Play. It is the exact same service, with the same exact speeds and prices, except now includes a wonderful, soothing name. For those of you out there that fear change, that find yourself uncomfortable having to look back into researching those huge, daunting download speeds of “2mpbs” and “1.3mbps” (who even cares what “mbps” is?! It’s just a bunch of nerd mumbo-jumbo that you need not worry yourself with), fear not. Everything remains exactly the same, save for the wonderful new name.

So there you have it. After a lot of research and development, we here at Comcast are proud to say that we’ve taken major steps to address our issues, so as to become the company you and your business need. No longer are our phone lines run by convicts; no longer does our chat support system operate through just three pre-written lines; no longer are our customers intimidated by our product names. Comcast has changed at a fundamental level, updated its core values and put you—our customer—back in the forefront. We’re now better than ever and ready to help you and your business connect the way you should.

Questions? Concerns? Feel free to reach out to me directly between the hours of 3:49am and 3:50am. My address is available on the Comcast website and I only operate through handwritten correspondence sent through the United States Postal Service. Please allow for a 1 to 3,000 day delay in responses.

*There will be a required one-time cancellation fee of $199.99 for all accounts migrating from the XFINITY Triple Play package to the new Island Vacation Power Bundle. This is non-negotiable.

 

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