Chuck Tries Not to Fall Off the Earth
Chuck stared up at the asphalt of the schoolyard basketball court, his neck straining slightly as he considered Dave’s request. On one hand, he’d always enjoyed playing basketball. Sure, he […]
Tag Archives: Stories
Dave Discovers a Horse on the Surface of Mars
Dave wiped his gloved hand across the visor of his helmet, a fine layer of maroon dust rubbing off and sticking to his space suit. He expected the Mars air […]
Detective Chuck Investigates an Obvious Self-Decapitation
Chuck softly kicked the severed head lying on the concrete parking lot floor, watching as it rolled a few inches before coming to a stop beside a small piece of […]
Dave Has An Awkward Conversation With His Eighteen-Year-Old Daughter
Dave twisted the edge of the beige kitchen tablecloth between his pointer finger and thumb, exhaling slowly. He’d been dreading this day for a long time, dreading the mere thought […]
The Legend of Sir Hero McBraveBattle and his Mentally Handicapped Donkey
The princess stared down from atop her prison tower, squinting slightly in an attempt to identify the man ten stories below. He seemed to be seated upon some sort of mentally […]
Mark Applies to Become the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse
“Hey fella,” Mark said, sideling up beside the skeletal figure seated atop a pale horse. He gently ran his hand down the mane of his mule, whom he had tentatively […]
Chuck Makes a Blood Sacrifice at the DMV
Chuck glanced down at the watch on his wrist, his left foot tapping steadily on the pearl tiled floor. He knew beforehand that his visit to the Department of Motor Vehicles wouldn’t […]
Mark the Janitor Is Pretty Sure the Building Isn’t Trying to Kill Him
Mark stared at the forest green chalkboard, the lettering scribbled across it in a white, dusty writing. While it wasn’t exactly abnormal for him to find rooms still stained with […]
Chuck Meets a Surprisingly Vivacious Severed Head
“You all right?” Chuck said, gently kicking the body lying in a rather decapitated fashion atop the otherwise abandoned dirt road. He didn’t look all right. In fact, he looked […]
Chuck Writes a Letter to His Future Self
Chuck had thought the idea was dumb from the get-go, that writing a “letter to his future self” was absolutely daft. Why would that guy care about what Past Chuck […]
Ash Ketchum Fondles His Balls in a Pokémon Butcher Shop
Ash glanced around the room, eyes slowly scanning the artificially lit, uncomfortably blood-stained and meat-filled lobby. He’d been in Pokémon hospitals before, spent more than his fair share of time […]
Dora the Explorer Confronts the Mexican Cartel
Dora stared down at the heavily armed guard patrolling the exterior of the compound, the majority of his tanned face concealed under a black hat. He looked to be some […]
Chuck Meets a Manly Gladiator That Is Absolutely Not a His Daughter in Disguise
Chuck stared at the man in the center of the arena, a long, blood-soaked sword clutched in his undeniably masculine grip. Everything about him screamed manly: from the tufts of […]
Howard Avoids a Dirty Homeless Man on His Way to a Funeral
Howard glanced down at the watch on his wrist. The little hand lay a few notches past the eight, while the bigger hand rest directly over the six. He had […]
Dave Discovers His Dog Has Written a Bucket List
Dave unfolded the saliva-soaked paper he had removed from his dog’s mouth, careful not touch its moistened edges. It was certainly not a newspaper, which Lucky never did get the […]
After Years of Monitoring Xbox Live Chat, Aliens Have Prepared Their First Message.
(This one needs a bit of context so as not to appear incredibly offensive, which can be found here.) Greetings, faggots: My name is xXSwaGGy-Quarlax [FaZe], Interplanetary Diplomat for the […]
Chuck Inadvertently Uses Nutella to Bring About Armageddon
Chuck stared up at the dark circle in the sky that appeared to be spiraling toward him, several more specs of metallic darkness surrounding it and polka-dotting the otherwise clear, […]
Dave Infiltrates Putin’s Compound by Becoming a Bear
Dave knelt down and grabbed a handful of mud, smearing it across his face while choking slightly on a tuft of arm hair that flooded into his completely closed mouth. It didn’t matter […]
A Perfectly Good Reason for Kidnapping a Princess
The dragon took a step back, its massive, oblong eyes quickly flicking left to right as if searching for something. It’s long, scaled tale whipped violently against the wall of […]
Jesus Gets Sick of Our Shit After His Thirty-Sixth Crucifixion
Jesus glanced over at his wrist and sighed heavily. It appeared to be nailed to an irritatingly familiar wooden frame once again. “Oh, come on,” he hissed. It had only […]
Chuck Tells the Grittiest, Manliest, Most Testorone-Filled Bedtime Story to His Niece
“What happens next?” Sarah says, her Disney Princess blanket pulled up to just beneath her nose, emerald green eyes locked upon Chuck. “Well,” Chuck says, leaning back against the cedar […]
Morpheus Accidentally Offers Neo Too Many Pills
“This is your last chance,” Morpheus said, his hands outstretched, several small pills lying in each upturned palm. “After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill […]
OSHA Shuts Down the Kerbal Space Program Following Safety Violations
Hello, my name is Dave, a representative from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration. I’m sure you’re wondering why I called all of you here, which only further infuriates me. […]
Chuck Definitely, Positively Meets a Real Wizard
Chuck stared at the man ahead of him, his snow white beard extending down from his chin to nearly his the middle of his chest. The hair atop his head […]
Dave Unintentionally Eats a Former Coworker
Dave sighed, or at least attempted to sigh. In his mind, that was exactly what he’d done: exhaled heavily, air forcing out of his mouth while his body hunched over […]
Woody Finally Speaks to a Dying Andy
Woody took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. He’d been imagining this moment for the past eighty years, dreading the day he hoped would never come. Of course he knew […]
Chuck Meets Mr. Right, Prince Charming, and a Knight in Shining Armor
“Hi,” the man at Chuck’s door said, closing his eyes as he slowly shook his head, his long, blonde hair flicking out across his face and landing behind his ear. […]
The Seven Habits of Highly Infected People
So you’ve gotten yourself a highly infectious, and potentially deadly, disease. Fantastic! That means you’re well on your way to living a life of luxury, celebrity, and quarantine, right? Not […]
Kanye West Proves He’s the Most Humble Man in the World
“Hey honey,” Kanye said with a smile, adjusting the golden suit jacket he was wearing. He’d picked it up from Goodwill the day prior, at the request of his daughter. […]
Carl Finds Himself Surrounded by More Charred Bodies Than Usual
Carl stared down at the dusty clipboard in his boney hands, quickly running his pale, ivory finger down the page. There were a lot more names than usual, at least […]
Kim Jong-un Competes in the 2016 Summer Olympics
“Good afternoon, everybody, and welcome to the 2016 Equestrian Show-Jumping Olympic finals. My name is Steve West and, as always, I am joined by my co-host Jim Wilson.” “Hello everybody, excited […]
Chuck Meets the Girl of His Dreams Over Skype
Chuck stared at the monitor, the attractive face of his new Skype-pal smiling back at him. She was absolutely stunning, just his type in almost every way. Come to think […]
Chuck is 90% Sure His Waiter is Hitler
Chuck glanced up at the waiter leaning over the table, his arm outstretched as he placed the glass of water down in front of him. He looked so familiar, but […]
Chuck Sacrifices His Life on Behalf of the United States Congress
Chuck smiled as he stepped out onto the congressional floor, a sea of black-tied men, and at least three women, staring back at him in silence. He did feel a […]
Howard Struggles with a Human Infestation
“There’s yer problem,” the repairman said, his head buried within a series of wires that surrounded the large, blue sphere. Howard glanced up at the empty, black ceiling, doing his […]
Chuck Suffers a Series of Embarrassing Events
Chuck stared at the man in the urinal next to him. He knew it wasn’t right, that it basically went against all social norms to not only use the urinal […]
Comcast Hires a Teen-Friendly Internet Representitive
Hello Internet Users, Thanks for stopping by my epic post (sorry, just trolling!). My name is Howard and I’m a Comcast representative. Whoa, hang on there Scumbag Steve. Before you attack […]
Carl has an Unfortunate Conversation with his Cat
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty,” Carl shouted from the front door of his house, a white plastic bag hanging from his closed hand. He’d made another impulse purchase, this time at […]
Chuck Hacks Into the CIA Mainframe
Chuck stared at his monitor, the soft, green glow from the words “Access Granted” causing him to squint slightly. He was in; he’d hacked his way inside the CIA website using […]
Jimmy Wales Addresses Wikipedia’s Recent Shutdown
Dear Wikipedia Readers: We’ll get right to it. We’ve never asked for much, maybe a few dollars here and there—to be honest, we’ve averaged maybe $15 in donations. That’s it. Did […]
Words. On the Internet. 