Kim Jong-un Competes in the 2016 Summer Olympics

You don't just get the title "Glorious Leader" unless you're truly glorious.

You don’t just get the title “Glorious Leader” unless you’re truly glorious.

“Good afternoon, everybody, and welcome to the 2016 Equestrian Show-Jumping Olympic finals. My name is Steve West and, as always, I am joined by my co-host Jim Wilson.”

“Hello everybody, excited to be here.”

“We’ve got an incredible competition ahead of us today, with the Olympic gold medal on the line. Stakes are high and passions are higher, so let’s jump right in—pun intended. Jim?”

“Thanks, Steve. As all of you horse-heads know, we’ve got one of the most competitive line-ups scheduled this afternoon. Steve Guerdat, who of course won the 2012 Olympic gold in London, will be representing the Swiss, followed by last year’s silver medalist Greco Schroder, from the Netherlands. It goes without saying that we also have world-favorite, and teen heartthrob, Clan O’Conner of Ireland coming up in a few minutes’ time.

“That’s right, Jim, the teens go crazy for him. I’m not sure if it’s his hair, his muscular legs, or just the sheer tightness of his outfit, but the kids love him. I don’t really think he’s very attractive, but then again I don’t normally find men very attractive. I just wasn’t born that way. Then again, I’m also easily confused by modern technology, like the iPhone, so it’s possible that I’m just not ‘hip’ to what the kids like.”

“Could be any of those things, Steve, but there is one thing for sure: we’ve got a controversial and—quite honestly, surprising—contestant today. He shocked the world by making it through quarter-finals and semi-finals after demanding that he be entered into the competition just a few days ago.”

“Not just this competition, Jim, but every competition.”

“That’s right, Steve. He is actually the first Olympic athlete to not only be entered into every single sport offered at the Olympics, but to also earn the title of ‘athlete’ while at the Olympics. Prior to this week, his feats of athleticism were simply rumors, and most people assumed he was nothing more than an over-weight dictator with a superiority complex. Now, however, after winning gold in literally every single event thus far, we’re starting to realize that rumors can sometimes be nothing but the truth.”

“We’re talking, of course, about none other than Kim Jong-un, leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. And as I take a look at today’s roster, it looks like Mr. Jong-un will be first up for today’s Show-Jumping Olympic finals.”

“I believe it might be Mr. Kim, Steve. Pretty sure those Asians put their first names where their last names should be.”

“You may be right, Jim, you may be right. That said, I’m confident it isn’t politically correct to refer to them ‘Asians.’”

“Speaking of Asians, it looks like Mr. Kim Jong-un is all ready to begin his set. He will need to get a 92 or higher in order to assure himself a spot at a medal.”

“That’s right, Jim, and anything above a 99—which, of course, is just one point below the cap of 100 points—will guarantee him a gold medal.”

“Hang on a second here, Steve, it looks like we’ve got some sort of change to the official ruling. Judges have just confirmed that Mr. Kim, or Mr. Jong-un, will not, in fact, be riding a horse.”

“I’m not sure I’m following this rule change, Jim.”

“It seems strange, I agree, but apparently the rules have been revised to accommodate his request.”

“So we’re making it easier for the leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea?”

“Not quite, Steve. The Glorious Leader will not be riding a horse, but will compete as if he were. So, to clarify, Mr. Kim Jong-un is going to be participating in the Equestrian Show-Jumping event on foot. He will be attempting to leap over numerous hurdles exceeding five feet in height without the assistance of a horse, in under a minute’s time, while moving in-step with the rhythmic styling of The Black Eyed Peas ‘My Humps.’”

“Fascinating, Jim. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this before.”

“Nor have I, Steve, although I did once see a man mount and copulate with a living anteater.”

“I asked you not to mention that, Jim, it was a drunken mistake that destroyed my marriage.”

“Sorry, Steve.”

“As we continue, it looks like Mr. Kim has gotten into position to begin his dance. The crowd is now silent.”

“I’m on the edge of my seat, Jim.”

“And he’s off—and what grace! I’ve never seen such movements before, Steve.”

“Me neither, Jim, it’s like he’s floating on a cloud. I can’t even understand—what is that? How is he doing that?”

“Here comes the first jump, a whopping five-foot-six. An on-foot leap of this height would be a challenge to professional hurdlers that train their jump daily—nope, easy. He just flew right over it. I don’t think he even bent his knees. The crowd is going insane.”

“I am not sure what I’m seeing here, Jim. I am questioning my understanding of reality. Is flying legal? Can he do that?”

“I believe it is, Steve, otherwise airplanes would be forbidden.”

“Here comes the backward prance. Mr. Jong-un will have to move backward while leaping over a series of wooden dividers. Very challenging on a horse, nearly impossible on foot—and he’s done it. Fascinating, he didn’t even look like he was aware of what he was doing. He just kind of leapt over and, well, amazing.

“I think I’m going to vomit, Steve. I’m feeling physically and mentally ill.”

“As are we all, Jim. We are witnessing things man was simply not intended to observe. I’ve never before seen movement of such grace, on a horse or otherwise. He’s just got one leap left, this one a distance gap.”

“He’s moving with such beauty, it’s making me uneasy Steve. He’s just got a few more feet to go.”

“We’ve seen horses clip their legs on this jump following a full-speed gallop. The Glorious Leader will need to be moving at least fifteen miles-per-hour faster than he is to clear it, based on course reviews. I don’t think he’s going to make it, Jim.”

“I don’t either, Steve. This could be it for the man who has quickly become the crowd favorite.”

“And here goes the leap and—Jesus. Jesus Christ. Can you see anything? Jim? Are you there?”

“I’m here, Steve. Or at least I think I’m here. I can’t see anything. The radiance of his jump, the beauty—everything has faded to white.”

“That’s right, Jim. I am now completely blind.”

“As am I. Blind as a bat.”

“Fascinating, what a run. Not only did I vomit all over myself and suffer a severe existential crisis, but I lost my eyesight. Reminds me of the time I was in Cancun, Mexico, trying to purchase illegal—”

“Hold onto that thought, Jim, they’re announcing the scores.”

“This should be a pretty high-scoring run, assuming the judges continue to permit Mr. Kim Jong-un’s lack of horse.”

“Indeed, Jim. And here it is. Wow, never in my day. They’ve announced 10’s across the board, even from the hard-to-please Russian judges. I can only assume it was also written somewhere, as I cannot see anything, nor, apparently, can anybody else in attendance.”

“Incredible, Steve. I never thought I’d see the day, although I doubt I’ll ever see anything again.”

“Well then, I guess we already have our gold medalist after just the first six minutes of competition. Of course, I cannot see anymore and will be unable to provide any reliable feedback on the next series of events, but I’m sure the run for silver and bronze should be appealing. Not quite as appealing as Mr. Kim Jong-un’s run, but certainly good.”

“Absolutely, Steve. Agreed whole-heartedly. I also believe the next contestants will not be inviting any armed officers into the announcers booths to stand behind us, which should lighten the atmosphere.”

“It’s going to be great, Jim. Stay tuned, everybody, for more riveting coverage from the 2016 Equestrian Show-Jumping Finals.”

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