OSHA Shuts Down the Kerbal Space Program Following Safety Violations

Kerbal Zach Diamond

They may look innocent, but they’re actually violently negligent maniacs.

Hello, my name is Dave, a representative from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration. I’m sure you’re wondering why I called all of you here, which only further infuriates me. In fact, I’m positive not a single one of you even realizes the catalog of safety violations you’ve made in the past fifteen seconds. I mean, look at that guy in the back there—the one with the same weird, green head that all of you have. Do any of you even realize how incredibly dangerous it is that he’s literally sitting on top of an active rocket booster? Why is that even in here? Can we move that? I don’t feel comfortable being in a small room with a potentially explosive device.

Anyway, I want to make something perfectly clear: this is not a warning. This is not a “please don’t launch a rocket with the thrusters facing the completely wrong direction.” This is not a “please resist the urge to send a single-manned shuttle to the moon with absolutely no prior testing, resulting in the destruction of several nearby, small, tribal villages.” This is a “stop.” This is a “we’re shutting you down.” You’ve had your chance to change and failed miserably.

Before any of you protest, even though I’m fairly confident none of you are smart enough to actually speak proper English, I want to emphasize that this was not your first warning. Do you remember my coworker—former coworker—Steve? He came by here last week, he was the one who said you absolutely, positively, beyond any shadow of a doubt, *cannot* begin construction on a lunar rover that doubles as a scale replica of a Corgi. Do you know why he made that request? I’ll give you a tiny hint: it’s because it is an absolutely insane thing to do. It is wrong, it is stupid, it is violently ignorant. So how did you all respond? You built it, you built a lunar rover that was a scale replica of a Corgi. I’m sure you all remember how that ended up, and how many people—including Steve—were killed in the ensuing disaster. We had to quarantine off all of Ohio, need I remind you.

Look, I get it. You’re Kerbals, this is your job. You’re paid money—or I assume you’re paid money—to build space crafts and explore the worlds beyond our own. I get that. But what irks me, what causes me such dismay, is that not a single one of you has any hint of a formal education, nor have you ever successfully explored space. In fact, as far as I can tell, none of you even understand the basics of physics, which is evident by the amount of times you’ve tried to create rockets shaped like over-sized male genitalia. In no way, shape, or form, would that ever work—anybody with at least the slightest shred of intelligence would realize that. Yet not you, not you guys. You fail to grasp the most basic tenets of physics, of gravity, of how the world even works.

“But Dave,” you’re probably all thinking, “it isn’t that bad! We just made a few mistakes.” Seven hundred and six. Seven hundred and six mistakes. And that’s just counting the number of Kerbals—your coworkers and colleagues—that have died as a result of your ineptitude, ignoring the human life and economic costs you’ve accrued. Then there’s also the issue that several of you literally trying to steal the moon. Yes, you, the weird yellow guys. Did you think we wouldn’t figure that out? That you were trying to steal the moon? I mean, think about it for a second. How did you expect you’d ever accomplish that? Did you think you’d just fly your incredibly non-aerodynamic, penis-shaped shuttle to the Moon, tie a few ropes around it, and then scoot on back? Did it never occur to you how damn big it is? That it would take up essentially the entire continent we’re unfortunate enough to share? Of course it didn’t, I’m sure it hadn’t even crossed your mind. And that’s exactly why we’re shutting you down.

So, yes, you will need to find new jobs. Yes, you will need to stop killing each other in completely avoidable and poorly-planned ways. You will need to update your resumes and think of a better way to write, “Psychopathic ‘aerospace engineer’ bent on killing myself and all of my colleagues in the most phallic way possible.” Believe me, employers don’t want to read that. Moreover, however, you are all going to be forced to take an OSHA training course to learn the basic tenets of safety, including why you need to wear your hazard vests and helmets. I’m pretty sure none of you are even aware of what a helmet is.

Thank you for your time, enjoy the rest of your day, and may God have mercy on your souls.

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