(This one needs a bit of context so as not to appear incredibly offensive, which can be found here.)
My name is xXSwaGGy-Quarlax [FaZe], Interplanetary Diplomat for the Andromeda Galaxy. I would like to begin this message by assuring you that I am not a camping faggot, nor will my people attempt to quick scope you. Although we have amassed many 360 no scopes throughout our collective lives, we come with a message of peace. I hope to make clear that this is a knife-only match and we will not be attempting any faggotry, nor will we feed mid. We wish only to share our swag amongst your people, you fucking aim botting hackers.
My clan and I have traveled many millions of light years in search of sentient life, visiting thousands of planets in an attempt to make contact and find the dankest kush. While we have been forced to pwn many noobs and fuck countless mothers on several of those worlds, reking their shit harder than a Haitian Earthquake, we only did so out of self-preservation. None of those planets held any life beyond the hostile and untamable, nor any blunts to blaze upon. It was truly us against them; however, we wish to make it clear that we do have blood on our hands. We, as an intergalactic species, understand that trust is founded upon honesty, and thus tell you retard hackers of our former faggotry. That said, we assure you that your obese, apartment dwelling neckbeards will stand safely beside us and shall never be shrekt.
We first located your planet nearly six Earth years ago and have been monitoring your communication devices, which you call “X-Box,” to learn your jargon and construct our message of peace. We hope that you understand our dialect and not see us as pay 2 win feeders. In order to further express our good faith, we have amassed a large collection of Code Red Mountain Dew and Cool Ranch Doritos, which we would like to share with your MLG pros. We hope you accept our offering in peace, and that you not fuck our mothers. We wish only to become allies with you, the faggot tryhards of Earth.
Please find us waiting for you at your trailer park tomorrow at sunrise. We will be in the large flying aircraft, which should be just a few pounds lighter than that of your mother’s left tit.