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Chuck Accidentally Kills Himself and Goes to Hell

June 20, 2014by Zach 5 Comments

“Hey,” Chuck said, trying to bend his tongue backwards into his throat. A piece of hot dog was lodged just beyond his reach. He stared at the vaguely-human creature ahead […]

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Comedy, Fiction, Short Story
Zach Diamond Chuck

Chuck Confronts Several Racist Aliens

June 17, 2014by Zach 1 Comment

I didn’t want to send Chuck. Honestly, I would’ve rather gone with Ted. Sure, he was slightly retarded—sorry, mentally impaired—but at least I knew he could be trained. Ted was submissive, […]

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Chuck Tales, Comedy, Fiction, Short Story
Obama Adventures Zach Diamond

Obama Adventures: The United States Transforms Into a Jet

June 13, 2014by Zach 1 Comment

“Mr. Obama!” shouted Hilary, kicking in the door to the Oval Office. “Don’t touch that fucking shit-cunt of a button!” “Why not, Clinton?” Obama said, tenderly rubbing the button as […]

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Comedy, Fiction, Obama Adventures, Short Story

Jesus Suffers a Bit of Stage Fright

June 10, 2014by Zach 2 Comments

“Hey, Jesus, how about some wine?” “Huh?” Jesus said, turning around. He softly brushed his long, brown hair out of his eyes with his left hand, careful to keep the […]

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Comedy, Fiction, Short Story
Interrogation Zach Diamond

The Pun Outlaw: Crime and Punishment

June 5, 2014by Zach 3 Comments

“Sir, I was looking for you,” Howard said, staring at the back of the chief’s neck. “We got him.” He turned around slowly, eyes staring down at a manila folder […]

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Comedy, Fiction, Short Story
I'm Not Very Good At This Zach Diamond

I’m Not Very Good At This: Chapter 1

June 3, 2014by Zach 9 Comments

(This is the first chapter to a novel-length story I’m working on. Title is very tentative, as is this chapter. And I need to make a real picture, rather than some random […]

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Comedy, Fiction, I'm Not Very Good At This, Longer Story
Trial by Combat Zach Diamond

Howard Requests a Trial by Combat for a Speeding Ticket

May 30, 2014by Zach 5 Comments

Trial by combat. It had seemed like such a good idea at the time: the short, fat judge wide-eyed as Howard uttered the words. It just made so much sense. He […]

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Comedy, Fiction, Short Story
Zach Diamond Historical

Historical Bang Bus: A Natural Selection

May 23, 2014by Zach Leave a comment

Chaz glanced out the window of the bus as it slowly crept down the street. None of the people were right, they were all too stained. He wanted someone innocent, […]

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Comedy, Fiction, Longer Story, NSFW
Zach Diamond Monologue

A Kindergartener with the Inner Monologue of a Pedantic 35-Year-Old Struggles With His Seat Belt

May 21, 2014by Zach 3 Comments

It was cold out, the gusting wind harsh against my exposed face. Mother had told me to wear my hat and scarf so as to conceal my skin from the […]

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Comedy, Fiction, Short Story
Space Rednecks Zach Diamond

Space Rednecks: Protectors of Intergalactic Property

May 16, 2014by Zach Leave a comment

“Hey Chuck.” “Hey Billy Bob.” “You see that there dang pile of rocks in that there corner?” “Sure do,” Chuck said. “I’m thinkin’ that rock pile is givin’ us a […]

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Chuck Tales, Comedy, Fiction, Short Story
Luck Zach Diamond

The Flawless, Perfect Burden of the Luckiest Man Alive

May 13, 2014by Zach Leave a comment

Chuck slid off the side of his bed so that his feet rested against the floor, then lowered his head into his upturned palms. It was another Saturday, another meaningless […]

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Chuck Tales, Depressing, Fiction, Short Story
Russian War Zach Diamond

Russia Accidentally Catches on Fire

May 9, 2014by Zach Leave a comment

“Hey Dave,” Chuck said, left hand resting against the window as his right hand grasped the bar below it to stabilize himself. “Yeah?” “Remind me, was Russia always on fire?” […]

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Chuck Tales, Comedy, Fiction, Short Story
Romance Novel Zach Diamond

An Excerpt from a Romance Novel Written by a Homeschooled Feminist

May 2, 2014by Zach Leave a comment

Steven leaned naked against the frame of the open bathroom door, his gleaming member dangling like the tail of a dog that knew it’d done something wrong. She stared at […]

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Comedy, Fiction, Short Story
Phone Zach Diamond

Under the Influence

April 28, 2014by Zach Leave a comment

He held the phone in his hand, weightless yet inconceivably heavy at the same time. He could feel it tremble against his skull, quivering as he crushed the receiver against […]

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Depressing, Fiction, Short Story
Basketball Zach Diamond

Dave Learns the NBA Does Not Support the Throwing of Babies

April 16, 2014by Zach Leave a comment

“No, you can’t do that anymore,” Andrew said, left hand on his hip, right pointer finger raised and shaking back and forth. He was the sassiest ginger kid Dave had […]

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Comedy, Fiction, Short Story

God Forgets About the Binding of Isaac and Attends a Gnarly Rager

April 12, 2014by Zach 2 Comments

“Sorry Abe, I’m back,” God said, appearing in front of Abraham in the form of an emerald-green lizard-man. He was roughly six feet tall and completely covered in scales, his […]

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Comedy, Fiction, Short Story
Zach Diamond Shelter

A Shelter from Sanctuary

April 1, 2014by Zach Leave a comment

“You’re going to sit over here with Julie and watch.” “Yes, sir,” Fred said, slowly lowering himself onto the maroon-stained seat beside him, a hooded man grabbing at his wrists. […]

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Depressing, Fiction, Horror, Short Story

Gladiators and Dragons: Oh Crap, Whoops.

March 28, 2014by Zach Leave a comment

Leor paused, his sword raised over his head. Sweat-soaked hair dipped slightly into his vision, inadvertently blocking the blinding glare of the sun. The gladiator lay flat on the ground, […]

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Comedy, Fiction, Short Story
Gladiators-Zach-Diamond

An Inefficnent Debate Amongst Gods, Titans, Deities, and a Black Guy

March 25, 2014by Zach Leave a comment

Zeus rose to his feet, his robe catching the edge of his chair slightly as he stood. “I will not stand for this,” he shouted, then paused. “Figuratively.” “Just give […]

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Comedy, Short Story

The Dangers of Injecting a Marijuanas: A True Made-Up Story

March 14, 2014by Zach Leave a comment

Chaz lowered his eye to the door’s peep hole and peered through. A thin figure stood on the other side, body deformed by the convex bend of the glass. He […]

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Comedy, Fiction, Longer Story

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This is Words on the Internet, the only website recognized by both Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton as "good, old-fashioned family fun that won't spoil if left out of the refrigerator for too long." Although neither person has ever actually been quoted as saying that, nor does it make any sense, I can assure you that they probably would say exactly that given the opportunity. Maybe.

Every Tuesday and Friday, I write and post a short comedic story here. Sometimes they may even be funny. Whatever the case, I welcome you to subscribe, read, and comment as you’d like.

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