God Forgets About the Binding of Isaac and Attends a Gnarly Rager

Story of Binding of Isaac

I think Photoshopping the blood and text onto this may have been blasphemous.

“Sorry Abe, I’m back,” God said, appearing in front of Abraham in the form of an emerald-green lizard-man. He was roughly six feet tall and completely covered in scales, his mouth elongated with sharp, amber teeth protruding through his lips. A long tail waved slightly behind him.

“It has been done, my lord.”

“What has?” God replied, biting into an apple that appeared in his hand with a small pop.

Abraham pointed to the altar, Isaac’s limp body resting beneath it. A knife stood upright from his chest, a thin stream of blood pooling on the stone below his body. Abraham’s arm quivered as he pointed.

“What’s that?” God asked. He took another bite of the apple, then raised his hand to his forehead as if shading his eyes from the sun. “Looks like some sort of art piece or something?”

“It—it’s Isaac,” Abraham stammered.

“Isaac, Isaac. No, not ringing any bells. Did I create him?”

“Yes, my lord. You allowed me to father him.”

“Wait, that’s your kid? I thought his name was Ivan.”

“Isaac, my son. I have sacrificed him as you requested.”

The narrow, horizontal slits of God’s eyes widened, his mouth frozen against the apple mid-bite.

“You sacrificed your son?” he asked, lowering his arm with the apple back down and staring at Abraham.

“Yes, to show my faith.”

“Why would you do that?” God asked, staring at the child. “He was just a kid.”

“You asked me to, my lord,” Abraham said, lifting one eyebrow and staring at God. His tail waved back and forth slowly, eyes clearly trying to avoid looking at Isaac’s body.

“I did? I did. Oh my Me, I did. I am so sorry about that, it was supposed to be a test.”

“A test, my lord?”

“You know, just something to see if you were really God-fearing, or if you were just kind of in it for the whole ‘Heaven’ scene. Turns out you’re God-fearing.”

“I don’t understand,” Abraham said. His arms were shaking beyond his control.

“See that, over there? The ram?”

“Yes.”

“That was what you were supposed to sacrifice. I was totally going to have an angel show up and be all ‘hey, don’t kill your kid,’ and have you kill that ram instead. My fault, I fucked up. I am taking the blame for this, I’m apparently not infallible.”

“I killed my son, my lord.”

“Yeah, that, well, that kind of sucks. I’m super sorry about that.” God lifted the apple to his mouth and resumed eating. “Super sorry about that, man.”

“Can you just bring him back?”

“No can do,” God replied, walking over to Isaac’s body. He stared at it, touching the knife softly and wiggling it back and forth. A thin stream of blood squirted upwards. God ducked down and dodged slightly to his right so as to avoid getting it on his robes, to no avail. “Oh, shit, I just had these washed.”

“Why can’t you bring him back? You’re the creator, the giver of life.”

“It’s kind of my rule, you know? No resurrections. I did it once, just once, and now I can’t stop hearing about it. Dude’s competing with me for followers now. I can’t have that happening every week.”

“But you had me kill my son, my lord. I sacrificed him for you.”

“Whoa, hey, don’t put this on me. I mean, sure I asked you to, but you and I both know that I can’t affect free will. So it’s kind of your fault when you think about it. But, regardless, I’m still super sorry about it. Huge mistake on my part for evening saying to do that and then not showing up to stop you—I got distracted. There was a rager over at Gabriel’s crib, I couldn’t miss it. People always give me crazy shit if I miss their parties.”

“I don’t understand, my lord. You said it was a test of faith, a showing of how much I believe in you. I have shown, will you not reward me?”

“Oh, no, totally. I can totally reward you.” God closed his eyes, the scales where eyebrows would be wrinkling as he squinted. A brand new sickle and six goats appeared beside Abraham. “There you go.”

Abraham turned and stared at the animals and iron tool. One of the goats walked over to the sickle and smelled it, then brushed a bit of dirt on it before strolling to a patch of grass to graze.

“Is this a test, my lord? I have already shown my faith – please, please do not continue these games.”

“No test, my man. Consider that a gift, it’s all yours. No need for a thanks or anything, this one’s on the house. Least I can do.”

“But my child,” Abraham said.

“Yeah, still sorry about that,” God interrupted. “Hey, anyway,” he said, kicking the dirt, “I’d really love to continue this, but I need to get going. I kind of have somewhere to be.”

“My lord, please just tell me one thing. Will you care for my son in Heaven, ensure him happiness in the afterlife after his father failed him?”

“I’d like to, I really would, but I’m afraid he’s kind of out of my reach. He’s, well, he’s in Hell.”

“What?”

“Yeah, turns out your son was kind of a sicko. Tortured a lot of animals. Not much I can do here.”

“My lord,” Abraham said.

“Well, hey, this was fun. I better get going. Talk to you later!”

God’s lizard-body fell to the floor like skin without bones, a pile of scales slowly fading into the dirt until only the ground remained. Abraham stared at the spot it had fallen, the dirt slightly disturbed but otherwise exactly the same as it had been. A goat walked into his view, then sat down atop the dust of his God.

_______________________

Writing Prompt: And so the Lord commanded the sacrifice of Isaac, and it was good. Yet He was soon preoccupied with His heavenly duties, and upon returning to the altar on the mount discovered Abraham had already obeyed Him.

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