I wrote this a few years ago. It was an assignment that asked for a dialogue between two people, with nothing more than “he said, she said” for tags. Ignoring the poor grammar and few typos/errors, I–personally–still think it’s pretty awesome. Found it lookin’ through some old shit.
“It’s getting late. Do you have the time?” she said.
“For what?” he said.
“What? What do you mean?” she said.
“You asked me if I had the time. How am I supposed to respond to that if you don’t tell me what I’m being invited to?”
“Being invited to? No. What? I just wanna know if you have the time.”
“I know that.” he said.
“Okay, then can you tell me?” she said.
“No, I can not. Not without more information.”
“What? Why can’t you tell me? It’s a simple question.”
“Is it? Is it really so simple?”
“Yes, Joe, it’s a very simple question. Just give me an answer. I’d ask anyone else, if there were anyone else around.”
“I don’t know how to answer that question. I feel like you’re tricking me.”
“I am most definitely not tricking you. Please, Joe. Just tell me. Please.”
“Yes, I have the time, even if I don’t know what for,” he said.
“Okay,” she said. “Well? What is it?”
“What is time? Well–I guess it’s a measurement of sorts. I don’t really know how exactly to explain what time–”
“No, fucking no. I am not asking you what time is. I am simply asking you for the time.”
“I feel as though I have given you enough time already. It’s been like five minutes,” he said.
“What are you talking about? Why are you doing this to me?” she said.
“I’m afraid I don’t exactly know what is going on here.”
“I just want you to look at your wrist and tell me what that watch says. That’s it. Just tell me what time it is.”
“Oh! You want to know the time! Hah, that’s funny. I thought you wanted me to define time and/or were inviting me somewhere. I get it now, though.”
“Okay, so can you please tell me the time?”
“No, I don’t have a watch.”
“You don’t have a watch? Are you serious? What the hell is that on your wrist, then!?”
“Oh, this? It’s a watch.”
“Then why the hell did you tell me you didn’t have a watch?” she said.
“It must’ve slipped my mind. I guess I was busy thinking about time, which is, quite honestly, pretty much your fault.”
“But that’s exactly what watches are for! What else could possibly come to mind when you think about time, other than a watch?”
“Well, big towers with clocks on them. Little towers with clocks on them. Clocks on necklaces. I guess basically just clocks in general. Also, I thought about a bear, but I’m pretty sure that was just a passing and unrelated thought. Maybe the bear had a clock on its chest. I don’t remember–which is, again, your fault.”
“Look, forget I asked. Just tell me what time it is, from the watch on your goddamn wrist,” she said.
“I can’t,” he said.
“Why not? Why the hell not? You have a watch on your wrist!”
“Because the watch doesn’t work.”
“It doesn’t work? The watch doesn’t work. Of course. Can I ask, though: Why the hell are you wearing the damn thing if it doesn’t work?!”
“I’m not too sure. I guess I just never really thought about why I’d even wear a watch,” he said.
“You never really thought about why you were wearing a watch? Are you serious? I—I don’t even know what to say. People wear watches so they can tell the time. It is so you don’t end up in this exact situation.”
“Don’t be silly, that’s obviously not the reason. I can tell time fine without a watch.”
“You can do what?” she said.
“Oh, yeah. What do you think I am? Dumb? I can tell time by looking at the sun. It’s really not very had–I’m surprised you can’t do it. I mean, it’s not completely accurate, but it’s good enough.”
“Then why the hell have you not told me the time yet?” she said.
“Because you wanted to know the time from my watch. Which is broken,” he said.
“You know what? I don’t even care. Just, please. Tell me the time.”
“Lets see. Uh—it’s about two thirty. Unless, wait. No, yeah, two thirty. That sounds right.”
“Oh, wonderful! That means the fucking car left already! If you had told me the time in the beginning, I could’ve made it to the goddamn airport.”
“Well, I’m not a mind-reader. You need to express yourself a little bit more literally.”
“I want a divorce,” she said.
“Truth be told, I don’t even know what time it is,” he said.