It was a cold night. The coldest night ever. Lotox wasn’t a fan of the cold, it always made him tired. Perhaps it was the copious amounts of sleeping pills he took to keep him warm, or maybe it was his body’s natural reaction. No one could say for sure, but denying the fact that he was tired would be outrageous. The frigid air seemed to be stalking Lotox, making him sleepier by the minute. He couldn’t just go to bed, though. “What kind of a human takes a nap?” he thought. None. That’s how many. Lotox refused to succumb to the demand of sleep, especially only at 5:59pm.
The evening toiled on and Lotox, despite his strongest of wishes, became more and more tired. By 6:00pm, Lotox had given up on his earlier promise of sleeplessness. Instead, he requested a simple idea, something he felt wouldn’t occur. He wanted a sign, something to tell him that sleep would be the right choice. What are the chances of that happening? None. Zero. Not a single god damn chance in the whole fucking world. Sorry, I got carried away. Lotox was content with his new promise. Suddenly, before even completing his self-fondness, the doorbell rang. “Who could this be?” Lotox thought, before settling on the idea that it was probably the mailman, delivering the mail for the second time in one day at 6:00pm. He walked over to his front door, expecting nothing more than the illogical and unlikely chance of it being the mailman. Before Lotox opened the door, it swung open. A large man, covered in hair, stood before him. He was roughly eight feet tall and eight hundred pounds, which seemed rather large for a man. Lotox, being a very kind individual, pretended not to notice.
“Yes? How may I help you, you giant beast-like man?” Lotox said politely.
“Err… what? Sorry. I have a box for you.” said the man.
“Oh? A box? Like, the square kinda things?” Lotox asked.
“Yes. A box.” Said the man, slightly confused.
“Oh, great. I love boxes. What is in it?”
“I don’t know. I have to go, but before I leave, I must suggest that you go ahead and take that nap you wanted.”
“Wait? How did you know about the nap? And, do you mean you want me to do it before you leave?”
“What? No. Just take a nap.”
“Okay.” Lotox said, just before closing the door on the man.
Back inside his house, with the door closed, Lotox decided to see what was inside the box. It might be gold, after all. Lotox was a large fan of gold. On several occasions he had wanted to acquire some. Lotox placed the box on the ground and opened it up. Inside was a letter and a bed sheet. The letter read,
This is a bed sheet. It is very comfortable. Use it and take a nap. Don’t ask questions.
Hugs and kisses,
Lotox felt very comforted by the letter, since it said hugs and kisses. He really liked hugs and kisses. Especially the kisses part. And the hugs. In fact, he liked all parts of it. Although, not so much the and.
Lotox removed the letter and hung it on his refrigerator, right next to the Microsoft Paint drawing of the muffin fighting McDoogin. It was beautiful. He returned to the box and took the furry quilt out of the box. It was quite soft and warm. He quickly took a swig of whiskey mixed with sleeping pills and decided that the nap was his final solution. He took the sheet to his bed, lay down, and tossed it over his body. The clock next to his bed read 6:01pm, the earliest anyone had ever gone to sleep. He was proud to set a record and drifted off to sleep in mere seconds.
Lotox suddenly awoke to a strange feeling coming from his entire body. Something was moving and it wasn’t the dead deer carcass he sleeps next to. Lotox fumbled around in the darkness of the 6:04pm sunset, searching for a light. He found twenty-seven cents, a box of tissues, seven small children, a torch, and a Pokemon before finding the light switch. The sudden brightness caused his eyes to burn as they adjusted to the light. As soon as his blurred vision seemed to correct, he looked down and saw his furry sheet moving slightly. Perhaps there were bugs in it, Lotox assumed. He tried to lift his leg in the air to see if they would fall out, but discovered he was unable to move his leg. Something was wrong. He lifted his head up and looked down on the sheet. What he saw startled him almost as much as a jack-in-the-box always does. The comfortable bedsheets he was delivered was not a bed sheet at all. It was a bear. Not just a bear, but four bears. Lotox was sleeping with four bears on top of him, roughly 3,200lbs of godless fury and hate. Just as soon as Lotox noticed the bears, they noticed him. The largest bear, probably named Steve, let forth a monstrous roar, shaking the entire foundation of his home. Lotox screamed in a high pitch, which embarrassed him after witnessing such a manly bear sound. Steve the bear stood up on Lotox and moved its face closer to Lotox. Lotox had no option. He shut his eyes and began to scream.
The sounds Lotox created caused a stream of energy to explode from his body. He suddenly began to mutate. He did not become an X-Men member or a superhero. He started to secrete honey from his pores. How did this happen? Steve the bear suddenly stopped right before biting Lotox’s face off. Something, perhaps the honey leaking from his tear ducts, had caused him to stop. The T.V. in the background suddenly turned on, as if by magic. Don’t ask questions. A black man announced that the greatest fear of every American in all of America had come true, “Attention American Americans, it has come to our knowledge that we HAVE NO HONEY LEFT IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.” The newsman than shot himself in the face. Lotox, still secreting a dangerous amount of honey, lay there in shock. He somehow had taken the entire honey supply of the entire world and put it into his glands through his screaming. The bears would not attack him, as he was the last source of honey anywhere. He was their treasure, the bear food master.
Before Lotox could come to terms with his new life’s mission of feeding bears and the world, his bedroom door was broken down. The man from earlier stood there, wearing just his massive overcoat and a tophat. Before Lotox could say a word, he threw his overcoat off. He was not a 800 pound, eight foot tall, hairy man. He was a bear. And he had a tophat. The bearman suddenly grabbed a unicycle from out of thin air and rode over to Lotox. His next words would remain in Lotox’s mind for the rest of his life:
“I am bear king. You may call me Mr. Jessica Susan. I have chosen you from a list of fifteen to be honey-bearer (PUN INTENDED) of all land. No one else in world has honey, just you are have. The bear sheet I give you was the motivation you need to start produce honey. It is only one in the world. You must now save the planet by producing much honey.” The bear man than proceeded to destroy the four bears on his bed.
Lotox was amazed. Not only was this bear speaking English at a kindergarten level, but he was wearing a tophat and riding a unicycle. Also, he was magic or something.
“Wait..” said Lotox, “wouldn’t it have been easier to just leave the honey as is?”
“Well, kind of… but, lot of random people were starting steal all honey, and we is selfish. We want the only source to be close to home” said Susan.
“Oh, okay.” Lotox replied, without a complaint. He always assumed bears to be selfish.
Lotox got out of bed and instantly fell, breaking his jaw. He was covered in honey and his room was starting to become stained in it. All of this change was causing Lotox to become confused. He pardoned himself from the bears with a groan and walked outside in just his bathrobe. The clock read 6:05pm as he walked outside.
The freezing air stung him. Not like a bee, no. It just hurt. After all, it was the coldest day ever. The snow, which had began falling during his nap, seemed to be evaporating before it touched the ground. Lotox walked onwards, unperturbed by the cold. Several seconds later, he was completely lost in a blizzard. All around him, he heard the sounds of bears roaring. They were coming for his honey. He tried to scream, but his broken jaw made it too difficult to formulate a grammatically correct sentence. Lotox loved grammar, so he decided it better to keep quiet. Lotox, not being a man of great survivability, slowly began to harden as he tried to run away from the furiocious roars. His skin, which had previously been made of skin, had been replaced by layers of honey. The air was too cold for him to survive. The honey that coated his body began to freeze. Before long, he was completely unable to move and began freezing to death. His last vision was of a bear pouncing onto him and breaking his frozen body into tiny bits, in a feeble attempt to save the last bits of honey, unintentionally destroying the world’s honey supply. His final thought was, “Bears are dicks. I can’t believe I listened to a bear. Fuckin dicks.”
After the realization of the complete loss of honey, the bears began fighting and soon went extinct, followed by the extinction of eagles and rocks. Man came next, followed by beavers and dust. By 6:10pm, only kittens and sea horses populated the planet.
This story is 100% true. It is the reason why we are all sea horses and kittens and why honey does not exist. Next time you think it to be a good idea to replace the world’s supply of honey by putting it into a single person, don’t do it in a very cold area. Do it in the Bahamas or something.
You have been warned.