The porcupine is an interesting rodent. It’s one of the most fashion savvy (as seen through its intricate coat of quills) and in-your-face. Just try to tell a porcupine how to behave, I dare you. I DOUBLE dare you. You know what will happen? I’ll tell you: you’ll get fucked up. And not in a good way. Your face will be covered in all kinds of crazy spikes. Do you understand me? You will have spikes coming out of your face. As awesome as that sounds, I can assure you that it is not very pleasurable. Sure, to an extent it is somewhat enjoyable, but the pain tends to overwhelm that enjoyment. Don’t you wish you listened to me now? Well, it’s not too late. I can still save you from even more pain.

Lets face it, we’ve all fantasized about porcupines at some point in our lives. As I’ve already mentioned, they’re very fashion savvy and know how to dress-to-impress; they’re short, cute, sharp, and witty. What’s not to like? Plus, they make great companions and even better pets. It’s perfectly reasonable for a normal homosapien to imagine some freaky interspecies copulation with one of these rodents. However, should you actually attempt to mate with one of these fine creatures, you may find yourself in excruciating pain and discomfort. Porcupines, in reality, make terrible sexual partners.

Take a look at a porcupine’s back. What do you see? Quills (here forth known as spikes, because that’s what those fuckers are). Hundreds of them. If you can’t imagine where I am going with this, I’ll provide a helpful example. Would you go up to an active chainsaw and pet it with your hands? Probably not. Do you understand what I mean? Let me get more specific. Would you pet an active chainsaw with your penis? Absolutely not. For the women out there who may have been confused by the last example, I’ll simplify one more time. Would you pet it with your vagina? I do not know, as I do not have one. I can assume that the answer is probably 50% not. At this time, you should understand that I am trying to explain that porcupines are sharp, which means they are not pleasurable. Let me put this in the form of a math problem: Sharp+Sexual Organs=Not Pleasurable.

Of course, it could be argued that people do not typically rub their genitals on the spikes of a porcupine. Sure, that’s a valid argument, but one that begs the question of whether you want to risk the accidental stabbing. What if, during the hot, moist, act of sexual intercourse with the porcupine, you accidentally slip and fall face first–or worse, penis/vag first–into the porcupine? Or, what if you’re being given a highly erotic lap dance from the porcupine and you accidentally place your hand upon a row of deadly spikes? You’d be screwed (no pun intended). And, what’s worse is that porcupines don’t have emotion. They would see you stab yourself (genitals or other) on their spikes and simply shrug it off, which brings me to my next point: porcupines are selfish lovers.

I don’t think I’m being facetious when I say that a creature with no emotion is not going to care about how you feel. Sure, porcupines look cuddly and friendly (if you disregard the spikes), but that’s where it ends. They’re beautiful creatures, yet terrible lovers. They’d probably tear up your bedsheets, leave their spikes laying all over the ceiling (I believe that porcupines can fire their spikes out in any direction, like a deadly assassin), and simply leave without a phone number or a post-coitus cuddle. Sure, some people enjoy empty, emotionless sex (I’m looking at you, necrophiliacs), but no one enjoys spikes in their bed. The risk of an accidental murder during a pillow fight is too great a risk to be had. It’s simply not worth it. Porcupines, despite all their cuteness, would not be a decent choice as a sexual partner for all the reasons I’ve mentioned; however, one reason surpasses all the others.

Ladies, I’m sure you’re aware that you have a vagina (if not, you’re welcome for the little tidbit of information).With that vagina, as I’m sure you’re also aware, comes wonderful powers (as Spiderman’s uncle said, “With great power comes great responsibility.”) that I can’t even begin to fathom; however, to a porcupine those powers are laughable. You see, male porcupines have a very interesting pre-coitus mating ritual, which the females are forced to endure. To put it simply, the male porcupine, when choosing a mate, shoots a canon of high pressure piss at the female. It’s like a water gun fight, except with urine and a canon made out of penises. And you get completely covered in urine. And it lasts for a minute. Take a second to imagine this scene. You’re approached by a porcupine and there’s a bit of mutual attraction (despite my warning); things begin to get hot and heavy, as would be expected. Suddenly, in the midst of the flirting, the porcupine rears itself up on its hind legs and fires high pressure urine at you for a minute, until you’re completely soaked.  That doesn’t sound fun, does it? No, it doesn’t. Do you want to know why? It’s because it is NOT fun. No one wants to be shot by a penis-water-gun that fires urine at a high pressure.

(For those of you who do enjoy being shot by urine at a high pressure, please disregard the previous paragraph.)

The porcupine, despite being such an adorable and well-dressed creature, is not a decent choice for a sexual partner. I’m not telling you that fantasizing about the animal is off-limits, not at all. I’m simply telling you that engaging in sexual activities with the porcupine will not live up to those fantasies. You’ll end up bloody, broken, unsatisfied, and moist. Sure, bloody, broken, and moist sound fine, but unsatisfied? It simply isn’t worth the blood, sweat, and tears. So, I remind you again: sex with a porcupine is a terrible decision.

Sheep, on the other hand, are a wonderful choice.

(Please note: I do not advocate bestiality at all. In fact, if you are attracted to animals, I kindly ask you to leave my blarg and never return. If you found this post erotic, though, give me a call.)