Life Stories: Cow tipping from the point of view of the cow.

This grass is amazing. Holy crap this grass is good. I don’t think I’ve ever had grass as good as this. It’s just incredible. What do they put in th–oh my god! This grass is even better! I don’t think I could ever stop eating this grass. It’s so green and soft and just plain delicious! I could eat this grass all day without getting tired of it. I think I–oh, I need to poop. I think I’ll go to the bathroom. Hah! Just kidding, I’m going to crap right where I’m standing. Why? Because I’m a cow.

Ah, that’s better. Note to self: do not back up. Last time I pooped, which was about eight minutes ago, I stepped right in it. I need to remember not to step in my poop. I think I’m going to move to the side of the poop, just in case. I think I’ll stop for a snack before I move, though. Who knows how long it will take. I guess I’ll have some grass.

Jesus H. Christ, lord and savior of the cow, this grass is outstanding. It’s amazing. I could chew it for hours and hours, perhaps swallowing it eventually. Hell, I don’t even care about swallowing. I’m just going to let my drool flow out of my mouth. Oh, it fell on the grass. I guess I should’ve seen that coming. I wonder how it tastes. Oh, it’s great. I should drool on my grass more often, it tastes like what soup would taste like. I wonder what soup tastes like. Probably like grass. Man, this grass is so good. I think I’ll have a poop.

Okay, I’ve pooped twice and still haven’t gone to a safe zone. I’m tired of getting poo all over my feet. Today is going to be a new day for me. Today I will not step in my own feces. Let me just get a mouthful of grass and–oh man, this grass is great. Focus! Right, moving. Let’s see, I can move forward, but then I might reverse into my poop. No, that’s no good. Backwards? No, then I’ll just walk right into the poop. What other directions are there? Up? No. Oh, I know: sideways. That’s a good idea. I’ll move to the side. Man, this grass is still good. It’s so soft now. I think I’ll swallow and then move to the side. Yeah, this seems to be a better idea.

Okay, moving. I just pick this leg up, and move this one here, turn this one, rotate this. Ah, here we go. This seems about right. Let me just check and see if my poo is out of range. Yup, that looks about right. I think I’ll have some grass. Oh, it’s so good. This grass is so good. I don’t think I’ve ever had grass as good as th–I’m tired. I think I’ll take a nap.


Oh, hello. Who are you? Why have you woken me from my nap, good sirs? Do you want to share some of my grass? It’s great grass, some of the best I’ve ever had. Just be careful of the poo to the side of me, it’s not safe to stand in. Oh, that feels good. I haven’t been pet in a long time. Wow, this is new, four people are petting me? Wonderful! Stroke a little harder, fellas! Yeah, that’s goo–no, that’s bad. You’re pushing too hard. Stop it. Why are you pushing so hard? Whoa, careful! I almost fell over! If you don’t stop this I’m going to have to get angry. You’re not going to like me when I’m angry. Good, you’re petting me again. That’s what I like.  No, you’re petting too hard! Stop it! Oh, now I’m moving back and forth. I don’t feel so good. Stop pushing me, I need some grass to calm my stomachs. What, stop!

Great, now look at what you’ve done. I’ve fallen over. Do you know how uncomfortable this is? Well, actually, it’s quite nice. I haven’t lay down in a long time. I think I’ll have some grass. Oh my, this grass is wonderf–wait a minute. What is this? Oh, oh god. Oh my god. You’ve pushed me over into my own poo. This is disgusting! What the hell, guys? What the hell? Where are you going? Come back here! Help me up! God dammit, I’m going to kill you guys. But first, I think I’ll take a poop.

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