Look at my shirt. It’s awesome. It’s absolutely incredible. Do you know why it’s incredible? Well, do you? Of course you do. It’s because it has a picture of a wizard on it. And, as we both know, wizards are awesome. They shoot fire out of sticks and explode things with their minds. Is there anything not awesome about that? No. Let’s talk about wizards for a moment.
Wizards are one of the coolest things man has ever known. Do you know what’s cooler than a wizard? Nothing, with the exception of L. L. Cool-J riding a metal tiger. That’s probably the only thing cooler than a wizard, but aside from that there is nothing cooler. Since my shirt has the picture of a wizard on it, it is, by proxy, the third coolest thing in the world (only beaten by L. L. Cool-J and an actual wizard). Wizards, as I’ve already explained, shoot fire out of sticks and make explosions with their brains. As you’re probably already aware, explosions and fire are cool. In fact, they’re super cool. Super-duper cool. Are you curious as to why I’m reminding you of how awesome and cool explosions and fire are? It’s because I need to make sure you are aware of how cool wizards are. I don’t want you to simply assume that wizards are men with loose robes, attractive hats, and extremely sexy beards. They’re more than that. They shoot fire and explode things. And that’s cool. And my shirt is awesome.
As I’m sure you already know, the wizard on my shirt isn’t the only cool thing on it (did I mention he’s shooting fire from a stick and there are explosions in the background [mind explosions]?). No, it’s obviously not the only cool thing on it. If that were true, it would probably be only the fifth coolest thing in the world (and second most awesome), being surpassed by a kitten with chainsaw arms and Jackie Chan wearing a top hat. But, thankfully, the shirt gets even cooler. You see, my shirt is extremely awesome because, not only does it have a wizard on it, but–are you ready for this? I don’t think you’re ready. Put on your fucking seat belt, bring your tray-table to the upright and secure position, and sit the fuck down–it also has a dragon. WHOA. You were not expecting that, were you? I told you to put on your god damn seat belt, but you just didn’t take me seriously. Now look at who was blown back fourteen feet. Next time, heed my warning. Now, fucker, lets talk about some dragons.
Dragons are a wizard’s mortal enemy. They fly, they shoot fire, and they are scary as shit. As a result, they’re the fourth coolest thing in the world. Sure, they seem cooler than anything else, but we need to remember that they’re dumb little birds that always get decapitated by knights. Obviously, if they were as cool as they seemed, a dragon would be able to slice those knight’s balls off and force-feed it to Zeus. Unfortunately, they can’t. However, when paired up with a wizard (mortal enemies brought together by a common enemy), dragons become a truly terrifying force of awesome. Wizards, as we’ve learned, shoot fire out of sticks and explode things with their minds. Dragons shoot fire from their face-hole, fly, and get decapitated. Can you find anything in those facts that wasn’t awesome? I’ll give you a second. Just kidding, I’m not giving you shit (I’m still mad at you for not listening to me). The correct answer is: no. If you chose “yes,” then I’m sorry to say this, but you’re wrong and stupid. You’re super stupid. There is nothing cooler than fire, explosions, flying, face-holes, sticks and decapitation. When you combine the groups, not only do you get a super-awesome acronym (FEFFSD [Free Eating Foxes For Sexy Dinosaurs]), but you also get the coolest thing ever. Wizard-dragons. And that’s just it. You see, my shirt has a wizard riding a dragon on it. My shirt is awesome.
By anyone’s standards, a dragon alone is pretty awesome. A wizard alone is really awesome. If you combine the two on a shirt, it’s really pretty awesome. If you have the wizard riding the dragon, well, my friend, that is just really pretty flying awesome (if you breed a dragon with a wizard, it’s really pretty fucking awesome–but no one has successfully done that). Do you understand where I am going with this? My shirt, it is awesome. There is a wizard riding a dragon, both of whom are shooting fire (although, the wizard is using a stick), while flying over the wizard’s brain-explosions. I’ll give you a second to catch your breath and change your pants. Are you back? We’re resuming, because I still have to tell you one more thing. You see, I have left this final fact for the end. The shirt, it is 100% bald eagle feathers. That’s right. Fuckin’ bald eagle feathers.
Caccaw! Do you know what that was? That was the sound of an eagle swooping down to snatch your eyeballs out of your head. Don’t try to defend yourself, it’s illegal to harm a bald eagle. Just sit there, it will all be over soon. Okay, I’m just kidding. That wasn’t an eagle, I simply wrote “caccaw.” But, the terror your felt was real. I want you to imagine that fear again, except multiply it by 100. That’s how many eagles it took to get the right amount of pristine feathers to make this shirt. Nineteen people died and eighty-seven went blind. Do you understand what I’m hinting at? It’s that my shirt is awesome. Lets recap.
My shirt is awesome. Why is it awesome? Well, for starters, it features a wizard. Wizards are really cool (#2 in the world). It also has a dragon, which are also cool (#5). Combining the two is super-duper cool. Throwing in a bit of fire and some explosions and you’ve got really super-duper awesome. Toss the wizard on the dragon and you’ve got yourself the most awesome thing ever. Put that on a shirt made from 100% bald eagle feathers and you, my good sir or madam, have yourself a fatally awesome shirt (if you look at it for too long, you will die).
Zach, please make this shirt a reality.