Comcast Hires a Teen-Friendly Internet Representitive
Hello Internet Users, Thanks for stopping by my epic post (sorry, just trolling!). My name is Howard and I’m a Comcast representative. Whoa, hang on there Scumbag Steve. Before you attack […]
Carl has an Unfortunate Conversation with his Cat
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty,” Carl shouted from the front door of his house, a white plastic bag hanging from his closed hand. He’d made another impulse purchase, this time at […]
Chuck Hacks Into the CIA Mainframe
Chuck stared at his monitor, the soft, green glow from the words “Access Granted” causing him to squint slightly. He was in; he’d hacked his way inside the CIA website using […]
Jimmy Wales Addresses Wikipedia’s Recent Shutdown
Dear Wikipedia Readers: We’ll get right to it. We’ve never asked for much, maybe a few dollars here and there—to be honest, we’ve averaged maybe $15 in donations. That’s it. Did […]
Chuck Concludes His Neighbor is a Vaccum Repairman
Chuck stared at the neon green “Open” sign glowing in the window ahead of him. It was a strange place for a vacuum repair shop, considering it was quite literally […]
The Savage War on Little People
“There’s thousands of them, sir,” Private Greene said, his mouth agape as he stared out upon the sea of figures fast approaching. Midgets, or rather little people as they demanded to […]
The Adventure(s) of Robin and Batman
Batman stared down at his batwatch and carefully studied its face, as if struggling to read its tiny bathands. Robin rolled his eyes and glanced down at his own watch, […]
Globflorb and the Super Mario-Themed Invasion Simulation
“I think I see where we went wrong,” Globflorb said, wiggling his tentacle at the monitor. “Right here, we should have put some sort of box or something there.” The […]
Howard Takes His Company Public Before Nap Time
“Johnson,” Howard shouted, smashing his rattle against the wall, “I needed that report on my crib by 4:30 pm. It’s—” Howard paused, staring at the large, plastic owl-themed clock leaning […]
Chuck is Surrounded by Corporate Zombies
“Hey Chuck,” Brian said, limping into the cafeteria, his right foot dragging behind him as he strolled. He was carrying a pink, half-eaten brain in his left hand, his right […]
Chuck Has an Interspecies Identity Crisis
“What’s this all about?” Chuck said, falling backward into his chair at the kitchen table with a soft thud. “It’s not even 11:00pm yet, why did you throw everyone out?” […]
Chuck Accidentally Decapitates a Man at the Bank
Chuck stared at the crumpled body on the floor, a pool of blood collecting beneath it and blending into its wrinkled yellow cape. This was absolutely not how he’d expected […]
Chuck Investigates a Particularly Fishy Crime Scene
“I don’t think this was an accident,” Detective Greene said, staring down at the body, its torso half covered in a blue tarp. It had clearly been laying there for […]
Dracula Accidentally Contracts Ebola
Chuck shifted slightly, the hospital bed creaking softly as he moved. If he’d wanted to spend the night in another bug-infested room, he could’ve stayed back in West Africa, rather […]
The Man Outside Her Perfect Window
Caroline. I learned her name through the phonebook, my shaking fingers carefully caressing its pages as I searched for the address I’d seen her at so many times. 43 Mako […]
Chuck Moves Into a Not-So-Spooky Haunted House
“Boo,” hissed the sofa, its teeth chomping wildly as it inched closer to him. “Right back at you,” Chuck slurred, grasping the wall for balance as he contemplated whether it […]
Obama Adventures: Obama Gives a Drunken Speech to a Bunch of Children
“The thing most people don’t know about me,” Obama said, “is that I slept my way to the top.” He glanced over at Hillary and winked. “I’m not so sure […]
Carl Tries to Buy Weed at the 74th Annual Hungry Games
“Welcome to the 74th Annual Hungry Games,” echoed a disembodied from above, the trees shaking with each syllable. “Pledges, please prepare for initiation. Good luck.” Carl placed his left hand flat […]
Obama is Absolutely Not a Mole Person
Obama gently placed both palms flat on the podium, his eyes locked on the massive, black camera ahead of him. A faint reflection of a gray-haired man stared back at […]
Chuck Pretends to be a French Alcoholic
“Pardonnez-moi,” Chuck said, frantically rubbing at the crotch of the man next to him with a ball of what was clearly too many napkins. “Pardonnez-moi, pardonnez-moi!” “It’s okay,” said the […]
I’m Not Very Good At This: Chapter 2
This is the second chapter of a novel-length story I am working on. I’ve barely edited it once and is therefore incredibly rough. Chapter 1, which is even rougher, is here. […]
A Brief History on Why The Industrial Revolution Sucked, Featuring Michael Bay
There have been several time periods throughout history, upwards of fifty I’ve heard, but the industrial revolution was, without a doubt, the crappiest. I’m not going to pretend I’m some […]
Obama Adventures: Obama Grows a Convincing Beard
“You like it, right?” Obama said, winking at Putin as un-sexually as possible. He didn’t want Putin to think he was coming on to him, especially considering they were meeting in […]
President Chuck Learns America’s Greatest Secret
Chuck lifted his hand to his chin and softly scratched at his beard. He still wasn’t entirely used to having one, but his political adviser assured him it was “great […]
Vegetable Folk Declare War on Vegetarians
Carrot turned and stared at the monitor. A tall, brunette human with a massive head smiled back from behind the screen, a bowl of his cousin diced up just beneath […]
Chuck Goes on a Particularly Bad Date
“That was just an appetizer, wait for the main dish!” said the old man, his eyes wide as he proceeded to manually dislocate his own jaw. Chuck stared at the […]
Undercover Chuck and the Chocolate Factory
Chuck stared at the massive box of individually packaged candy on the table next to him. He’d been undercover for almost six months now, countless hours spent in the factory, […]
The Embarrassingly Accidental Death of The People’s Champion
I stood by the door, my knuckle hovering inches away. “Yeah, just wait. Just wait until he comes up third staircase, though, that’s when it gets good. I spent weeks […]
Chuck Discovers a Whale on the Subway
“Hey,” Chuck said, nudging the guy next to him. “This is the C train, right?” He had rushed to catch the train before it left the station and wasn’t […]
Chuck Saves His Real-Life Sitcom from Cancellation
Chuck wiped the back of his hand across her mouth. They didn’t even realize how close they were to the end, how little time they had left. The executives would […]
Steve Decides to Summon the Demon of Patron Wealth
Steve flipped the tome over and placed it flat on the wooden table in front of him, then took a step back. He was a little nervous—this would be the […]
Chuck Is Definitely Not a Robot
Chuck scratched his chin, his fingers sliding against his skin with a harsh metallic scrape. The doctor continued staring at him, his face locked in a dumbfounded expression, as if […]
Chuck Smokes Meth and Steals a Car
Chuck stared at the meth pipe now lying by the gas pedal of his 1990 IROC. He wasn’t entirely sure he had smoked it correctly, or if it was actually […]
Wile E. Coyote Seeks an Outside Consultant
Wile sat with his right foot crossed over his left leg and watched as it shook up and down erratically. He didn’t like being in an office, they always made […]
Howard Notices Something Strange About Chuck
“There’s something a little weird about Chuck today.” “What?” Stan said, turning toward Howard. “Is now really the best time for this?” Howard shifted the pistol in his hand, careful […]
Chuck Stumbles upon a Severed Head
Chuck glanced down at the severed head in his palm, its eyes staring blankly up at the perpetually dark sky above. It wasn’t as heavy as he thought it would be. Maybe […]
Jesus Christ: Intergalactic Fugitive from the Law
“Hello. I am an officer of the Intergalactic Ministry of Justice and I am looking for the fugitive known locally as ‘Jesus Christ’. Have you seen him?” “No,” Jesus said, […]
Chuck Accidentally Touches His Swirling Mirror
Chuck stared at the mirror above his bathroom sink. It looked different today. Well, it looked different most days, but typically that was due to how he was standing, what […]
Sarah Gets Sent to a Work Camp for Singles
Sarah rolled over onto her back, the hardened cot pressing a foreign feeling into her spine. She’d been awake all night, eyes locked blankly on the darkened ceiling overhead, staring […]
Chuck Detains an Illegal Alien
Chuck stared down at the small, gray creature, its skin oily in appearance yet dry to the touch. Oblong eyes stared blankly up at the ceiling. They were larger than […]
Words. On the Internet. 