I don’t ask for much. I really don’t. Yes, I once requested that a live, man-sized catfish be caught and butchered for my pleasure whilst seated in a land-locked vegan restaurant, a request which I was not granted. I realize now that this may have been slightly excessive, but that’s really about it. I don’t think it’s wrong for me to finally make a simple request. Something small, something easy. If I could have this chance: When my time on this planet has finally come to a close, and I am no longer–as they say–“not dead,” I would like to request that my body be cooked and eaten.
I would appreciate it if I could take a moment to quickly reiterate that I haven’t asked for much in my lifetime. I did once ask for a free Samoan child while walking by the nursery in a Hospital, yet my request was not granted. Aside from that, I’ve lived a rather austere life. My simple, basic appeal that my body be cooked to perfection and served adequately is really about all I’ve found true meaning in requesting. However, as I really haven’t asked for much in my life, I’d like to expand upon this initial inquiry. I guess the place to begin would be the actual cooking.
I would like for my body to be steamed. This should be done while I am still alive if possible. That would ensure the absolute freshest taste, while granting me the knowledge that my menial request had been met. However, if I could ask for slightly more (bearing in mind that I really haven’t requested much in life, aside for that one time when I inquired whether or not it would be possible to engage in a hostile takeover of Sesame Street—which it wasn’t), I would like to see that my body be steamed in a pot of pure gold. This would be, of course, to guarantee that the flavor is nothing but divine. I do not want my diners to suffer through the meal, I wish for them to enjoy each bite.
Expounding upon the cooking process, it would be ideal that my body be served alongside something savory. A nice macaroni and cheese with truffles would be a superb complement. Additionally, a healthier side offering should also accompany. Kale could be used to garnish me, while also being available as that healthy side-dish by simply sliding it out from under my corpse. Diners should be able to enjoy a delicious bite of steamed arm, accompanied with the smooth macaroni and cheese texture atop a thin kale leaf. I do not feel this request is ludicrous, especially considering how little I have asked for. True, there was the time I sought after enrolling a Siberian tiger in an inner-city preschool (which was declined), but my requests have been far from plentiful. As such, I would like to further detail my lone, singular, simple ask.
The guests at the event should only be those with high political power. This, of course, includes options such as The President of the United States, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jung Un, and Hillary Clinton. In order to show my truly frugal desires, I leave the guest list mostly up to you. However, there are three people I must request be present: Jesus Christ, Adolf Hitler, and Steven Seagal. That is it, a simple trio whom should pose no issue in gathering—the remainder is entirely up to your discretion. It is but a simple ask, something I have done so few times throughout my life. Yes, I did once request that my house be relocated to the dark side of the moon, and that I be crowned king of its vast, emptiness; that basic inquiry was declined. Considering that, I would like to expand on this simple request one last time.
I’d like for my body to be served in a haunted house. Not a theme park haunted house—I must beg that the house not have animatronic zombies and vampires—but a real haunted house. As I will be placed in the golden pot while still alive, the haunted house should ensure that I am present at the event following my death. It would be a true shame for me to be unable to witness the divine enjoyment of Earthly body as I float amidst the dead as a ghost. This leads me to another simple request. I would like to ask that it be guaranteed that I become a ghost following the steaming process. While the haunted house may aide in my attempts to enjoy the dining experience, it would be foolish to not ensure that my body become that of a ghost, rather than reincarnated into something else. I do not feel it is too much to desire this, especially considering how few things I’ve asked for in my life. Perhaps there was a time when I requested—not unreasonably—for my body to be transformed into gelatin and served at room temperature to a family of malnourished Blackeye hermit crabs, but I’d like to reiterate that my request was denied.
I would like to thank you for your consideration in this simple inquiry. I know that you do not know me, nor I you, but I feel that you are most definitely the ideal candidate for assisting me in this most basic of requests. I have lead a good, plain life absent of the luxuries of most people. My needs have been few and my asks even fewer; it would be a most suiting end to an otherwise ascetic life to conclude on a simple, easily met request. While there was a time when I did, admittedly, call upon a neighbor to provide me with a mermaid who would defend my home against undead horses from a still-unbuilt moat, I feel it is important to mention that my inquiry was not met. Please ensure this simple request for me.