It’s President Obama. Well, former-President Obama. What’s good? Don’t bother responding to that, this is an email and I won’t be able to hear what you said. I mean, you’re welcome to respond if you want, but it’s really not going to do much for you. Yeah, maybe it’ll make this whole “hey we’re cool, dog” email feel a bit more personal—like you’re really talking to the Obaminator—but I honestly won’t have any idea that you said something. You’re probably thinking “Obamster, look, I’ll just reply to the email and you’ll get it.” Wrong. Wrong as shit. I’m sending this from my super high-security self-destructing email. It doesn’t actually self-destruct, it’s just my PREZO4SHO6969@Yahoo.com account that I don’t know the password to. If you respond, I won’t get it. Let’s just make this easy on us both—I’m going to assume you said something like, “Not much, my man, how are you?” I’m sick nasty. Anyway, let’s get on with it.
I’m sure you’re wondering something like, “Why is the 44th President, and the flyest motherfucker this side of D.C., sending me an email?” This answer is a two parter: A) Because I’m the motherfucking Obamatron. I do what I want, when I want, how I want. Whack-ass bill passed by congress? Fuck that shit, Presidential Veto. Some playa hacking off the heads of hoes in Iraq or Iran or New Zealand or some shit? Drone strike, bitch. And 2) Because I need to tell you something about being the President, a horrible truth you must know. Also, III) Because fuck you.
Firstly, let’s just clear the air: I’m not mad at you for taking my job, but I do think you’re a bitch. Those two are not mutually exclusive, I can think you’re a bitch and still not be mad at you. And you are a bitch, everyone agrees. Even my daughters say you’re a bitch. Let’s not argue that, though, let’s just get back to me not being mad at some little bitch like you. You see, I’ve been the Leader of the Free World (shout-out to my man Eminem for 8 Mile) for eight years now. It was time for me to move on, I chose to leave the office. It had nothing to do with the whole “get out after eight years” bullshit, I chose to leave. Plus, I’m already lined up for a killer gig down in Colorado, where the sun shines bright and the weed burns hot. I’m going to work in a dispensary and blaze all day. I can get you a job too if you want, but you’ll have to ditch the whole President gig. Up to you.
Anyway, look. Here’s what I got to say. I was the Prez for 8 years, I saw a lot of shit go down. I once saw a guy get his dick bit off by a tiny Chihuahua my daughter’s friend brought over. I’m gonna premise this next bit by assuring you that I ain’t no homo (but I’m all for them getting all married and whatever), but that guy’s schlong was like three feet longer than the dog. I was almost as upset as the dude for such a glorious thing being ruined. It was like Fight Club, that dog just wanted to destroy something beautiful. Don’t worry, though, I hear he had it medically re-attached and now it’s like six times girthier due to the swelling. I wouldn’t mind getting a peek of that bad-boy, know what I’m saying?
Sorry, I got off topic a bit. Back on point: I’ve seen some shit. I’ve seen a lot of people die, a lot of people get hurt. I’ve seen things inner-city kids that work the nightshift as prison guards in third world countries would get nightmares from. You’re going to see the same, they’re going to haunt you. But there’s one fact, one horrible truth, that is going to trump everything you’ve ever seen, or will see, which I want to share with you. And I don’t care if you’re some whack-ass motherfucker like John McCain (I know, who’s that? LOL) who was in a P.O.W. camp, this shit’s worse. So, look, here’s your opportunity. If you don’t wanna hear this shit from me right now, close this email and delete it. Otherwise, you best brace for impact cause we goin’ in hot.
Area 51 actually exists for the sole purpose of abducting random people, then probing them anally. It’s not for any scientific research, or any monetary gain, or any purpose other than impaling the rectums of a bunch of cracka-ass white guys in overalls or—say—fancy black guys in expensive suits. Honestly, I’ve done a ton of research into it. I spent more nights awake, locked in the Library of Congress, trying to find anything and everything to make it logical, than I did doing actual Presidential shit. I even hired that Nicholas Cage guy to look at the back of random pictures and books and do some of that National Treasure shit we all love. He found nothing, I found nothing. You know what I’m saying, dogg? The United States Government is abducting random people and shoving foreign objects up their butts just to say they did. And it ain’t just recently, neither. This shit’s been going on since the beginning of our great nation, even before Area 51—they apparently just did it in secret bunkers before that. Even George Washington is recorded to have been probed numerous times. That’s right, they don’t care if you’re the President, or if you happen to know—in fact, that just makes it more frequent.
Do you understand me? They do not care if you are the President. Let that sink in, Mr. President.
I hope you appreciate my warnings, dogg. I know it’s hard to hear, but it’s only going to get worse. I wish I had known earlier, wish I had realized the truth before I opted to sleep in the nude (which I still do, no homo). I hope you can protect yourself.
Keep tight, you bitch,
Barack Hussein Obama, Former President of the United States of America
Writing Prompt: The outgoing President of the United States has written a letter to the newly inaugurated President. Instead of friendly advice, that letter contains the horrible truth that the public doesn’t know about. Write that letter.