Chuck Considers the Merits of Purchasing a Home in Hell
“I don’t know,” Chuck said, staring at the wall of fire ahead of him. “It looks a little painful for a living room.” Several sharp, metallic hands seemed to be […]
Tag Archives: Fiction
The Adventures of Mayo Man: A Very Tangy Robbery
“Mayo Nip.” No, too blatant. I sighed softly, staring at the door of the bank across the street while rubbing my nipples tenderly. I’d been sitting in my hotel for […]
A Review of “The Dark Knight” by a Critic Who Unintentionally Watched the Bootleg Version
I recently watched The Dark Knight, and I must say: for all the acclaim it has received, I really found it, well, bad. The film opens up in what looks […]
Chuck Comes to a Startling Realization
“Has the sky always been so black?” Chuck said, staring up toward the darkened clouds. They looked odd, he’d never really noticed how peculiar they were. In fact, he wasn’t […]
Chuck Accidentally Kills Himself and Goes to Hell
“Hey,” Chuck said, trying to bend his tongue backwards into his throat. A piece of hot dog was lodged just beyond his reach. He stared at the vaguely-human creature ahead […]
Chuck Confronts Several Racist Aliens
I didn’t want to send Chuck. Honestly, I would’ve rather gone with Ted. Sure, he was slightly retarded—sorry, mentally impaired—but at least I knew he could be trained. Ted was submissive, […]
Obama Adventures: The United States Transforms Into a Jet
“Mr. Obama!” shouted Hilary, kicking in the door to the Oval Office. “Don’t touch that fucking shit-cunt of a button!” “Why not, Clinton?” Obama said, tenderly rubbing the button as […]
Jesus Suffers a Bit of Stage Fright
“Hey, Jesus, how about some wine?” “Huh?” Jesus said, turning around. He softly brushed his long, brown hair out of his eyes with his left hand, careful to keep the […]
The Pun Outlaw: Crime and Punishment
“Sir, I was looking for you,” Howard said, staring at the back of the chief’s neck. “We got him.” He turned around slowly, eyes staring down at a manila folder […]
I’m Not Very Good At This: Chapter 1
(This is the first chapter to a novel-length story I’m working on. Title is very tentative, as is this chapter. And I need to make a real picture, rather than some random […]
Howard Requests a Trial by Combat for a Speeding Ticket
Trial by combat. It had seemed like such a good idea at the time: the short, fat judge wide-eyed as Howard uttered the words. It just made so much sense. He […]
Historical Bang Bus: A Natural Selection
Chaz glanced out the window of the bus as it slowly crept down the street. None of the people were right, they were all too stained. He wanted someone innocent, […]
A Kindergartener with the Inner Monologue of a Pedantic 35-Year-Old Struggles With His Seat Belt
It was cold out, the gusting wind harsh against my exposed face. Mother had told me to wear my hat and scarf so as to conceal my skin from the […]
Space Rednecks: Protectors of Intergalactic Property
“Hey Chuck.” “Hey Billy Bob.” “You see that there dang pile of rocks in that there corner?” “Sure do,” Chuck said. “I’m thinkin’ that rock pile is givin’ us a […]
The Flawless, Perfect Burden of the Luckiest Man Alive
Chuck slid off the side of his bed so that his feet rested against the floor, then lowered his head into his upturned palms. It was another Saturday, another meaningless […]
Russia Accidentally Catches on Fire
“Hey Dave,” Chuck said, left hand resting against the window as his right hand grasped the bar below it to stabilize himself. “Yeah?” “Remind me, was Russia always on fire?” […]
An Actual Letter from Former President Barack Obama to His Replacement
Hey Dogg, It’s President Obama. Well, former-President Obama. What’s good? Don’t bother responding to that, this is an email and I won’t be able to hear what you said. I […]
An Excerpt from a Romance Novel Written by a Homeschooled Feminist
Steven leaned naked against the frame of the open bathroom door, his gleaming member dangling like the tail of a dog that knew it’d done something wrong. She stared at […]
The Mysterious, Pink “Kill Yourself” in the Night
Chuck stared at the sign on the building, the words “Kill Yourself” back-lit atop pink, glittery letters. He hadn’t seen the color pink in decades—or any color, for that matter. […]
Under the Influence
He held the phone in his hand, weightless yet inconceivably heavy at the same time. He could feel it tremble against his skull, quivering as he crushed the receiver against […]
Chuck Grylls: Office Survivalist and Potential Murderer
Chuck pulled at the tie around his neck, the loop tightening under his chin, his eyes staring into the hazy, rectangular mirror above the sink. He looked good, rather more […]
Medically Induced Swole Shame [TRIGGER WARNING]
I was swole shamed by a doctor this week, mocked and humiliated by him in front of my peers, simply because of his hatred for mid-bulk, able-bodied people like myself. […]
Dave Learns the NBA Does Not Support the Throwing of Babies
“No, you can’t do that anymore,” Andrew said, left hand on his hip, right pointer finger raised and shaking back and forth. He was the sassiest ginger kid Dave had […]
God Forgets About the Binding of Isaac and Attends a Gnarly Rager
“Sorry Abe, I’m back,” God said, appearing in front of Abraham in the form of an emerald-green lizard-man. He was roughly six feet tall and completely covered in scales, his […]
Swole Shamed by the Police [TRIGGER WARNING]
I’ve heard people claim that prejudice is dead, replaced in the modern era with acceptance and equality. I’ve heard it said that racism, bigotry, and body-shaming were a thing of the past. Call […]
Casper, the Friend Zoned Ghost
It had been four weeks since she’d bought the house, four weeks since she last spoke to the Realtor, four weeks since she’d even stepped foot inside. It had taken […]
A Shelter from Sanctuary
“You’re going to sit over here with Julie and watch.” “Yes, sir,” Fred said, slowly lowering himself onto the maroon-stained seat beside him, a hooded man grabbing at his wrists. […]
Gladiators and Dragons: Oh Crap, Whoops.
Leor paused, his sword raised over his head. Sweat-soaked hair dipped slightly into his vision, inadvertently blocking the blinding glare of the sun. The gladiator lay flat on the ground, […]
An Inefficnent Debate Amongst Gods, Titans, Deities, and a Black Guy
Zeus rose to his feet, his robe catching the edge of his chair slightly as he stood. “I will not stand for this,” he shouted, then paused. “Figuratively.” “Just give […]
The Falafel Life Chooses Chris
Chris shoved his hand into his pants pocket and pulled out his phone. He frantically flipped it open and began scrolling through his contacts, his other hand gripped firmly around […]
The Flippers and Fur of Beauty Incarnate
The moment I saw her was the moment I knew my life would never be the same. The way her hair gently bounced with each step; the way her eyes […]
The Dangers of Injecting a Marijuanas: A True Made-Up Story
Chaz lowered his eye to the door’s peep hole and peered through. A thin figure stood on the other side, body deformed by the convex bend of the glass. He […]
Randy the Rhino Has a Terrible Day
Randy the Rhino rose from his bed and looked out at the day. It seemed it was Monday and that wasn’t okay! He couldn’t stay home and play as he […]
Dating Advice: Mysterious Chuck’s Unisex Book of Dating and Pickup Artistry
Mysterious Chuck’s Unisex Book of Dating and Pickup Artistry Chuck’s here to revive your dying dating life! Let’s face it: When it comes to relationships, you’re trash. You’re better off […]
Claire Flirts Dangerously and Learns Hieroglyphics at the Bank
Claire held her palms out in front of her and stared down at her nails. The cheesecake yellow paint was already beginning to peel off around her cuticles, despite having […]
Nice Guy Harvey Dates The Last Woman On Earth
Harvey smiled as he pulled open the car’s passenger door. He took a small step back and stretched out his arm. Molly turned her head to the right slightly and […]
Chuck Grylls: Sassy Survivalist
Chuck knelt down, eyes fixed forward. The forest ahead was incredibly thick, allowing him vision of no more than a few feet, let alone the few miles he assumed he […]
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