David Introduces His Orthodox Mother to His Mallard-Lover
Writing Prompt: A man (or woman) falls hopelessly in love with a duck, but his/her family refuses to accept their romance. // David stared down at the table. It had […]
Henry Spends His Hard-Earned Cantaloupes
Writing Prompt: All Currency in the World is abolished. What are the Consequences?// Henry stood at the counter and fumbled around in his jean pockets. He’d recently replaced them with large, […]
Chuck Grylls: Sassy Survivalist
Chuck knelt down, eyes fixed forward. The forest ahead was incredibly thick, allowing him vision of no more than a few feet, let alone the few miles he assumed he […]
The Ramsgard-Shank Redemption
Writing Prompt: A prisoner of war somehow escapes a maximum security camp.// Ramsgard. The moment he saw the name three years ago, Larry knew his life had ended. There was no […]
A Humerus Discovery in Space
[WP] A group of Astronauts make a shocking, yet somehow humorous discovery.// “Robert, seriously. You’re a god damn astronaut. You need to learn to spell a little bit better,” radioed Huston. […]
Howard, American Hero vs. Illegal Aliens
Writing Prompt: Aliens threaten the Earth with apocalypse unless one person is surrendered. Write from that guy’s perspective. Howard stood still and looked up at the sky. It was dark out, […]
Chuck Gets a Promotion at his Desk Job in Hell
Writing Prompt: You’ve spent an eternity in Hell, and now you’re getting a promotion. Chuck stared at the hands of his watch. He’d been wearing an analog watch for millennia at this […]
Dave Breaks the Fourth Wall
Writing Prompt: Break the Fourth Wall Dave walked into the kitchen, allowing the door to slam behind him with a tremendous crash. He whipped his hair back, bracelets jingling with […]
Prometheus Goes to the Market
Writing Prompt: Two powerful warriors (soldiers, supers, etc.), sworn to fight to the death, keep finding increasingly ridiculous excuses not to do so just yet. Prometheus tapped his toe impatiently as […]
The Great Bland
Writing Prompt Given: “Write about 500 years worth of history in a real or made up country/region/planet/whatever” The Great Bland (1300-1899) Taking a break from the riveting, violent history of […]
50 Hues of Silver: Chapter 8
Mona woke with a startle, blinking as her eyes slowly began to focus. She stared up at her ceiling and watched as the wooden fan spun, gently tussling her sweat-soaked […]
50 Hues of Silver: Chapter 7
Mona Vee sighed and glanced at the floor, contemplating what was quickly becoming her future. Of course she saw Edwardo Peen in it, but the way he treated her left […]
A Bath with Bourbon
A smile escapes from her lips, slithering across her face like a red bourbon river. Her hands quiver with the excruciating pleasure of “I shouldn’t do this,” leaving behind his pleading whispers of “please don’t […]
Samuel
I remember, when I was young, holding a beer to my lips and tasting the bitter, bubbly glass. It was cold and hurt my teeth. Sam Adams, my father told […]
Stage One, IV.
They say the dead can’t walk, but I’m watching you move right now. I’m watching as the bump on your head spreads from your frontal lobe, down your spinal cord, […]
A very old story about bears.
It was a cold night. The coldest night ever. Lotox wasn’t a fan of the cold, it always made him tired. Perhaps it was the copious amounts of sleeping pills […]
The first thing I ever wrote for my first fiction class.
I wrote this a few years ago. It was an assignment that asked for a dialogue between two people, with nothing more than “he said, she said” for tags. Ignoring […]
A Review of Britney Spears’ Albums
Written in January, 1999, “Baby One More Time” was Britney Spears’ “break out CD”–the release that made her a star. Unlike her later CDs, it exemplifies Spears as a “virgin” […]
How to Become a Gym-Rat
First, consider going to the gym. Look in a mirror and lift up your stomach by grabbing a handful of fat. Reflect on all the times your friends said you […]
Sestina: The Plastic Flower
Ending words – A: Plastic B: Cloth C: Blue D: Eternity E: Alone F: Memory. Form – abcdef, faebdc, cfdabe, ecbfad, deacfb, bdfeca, be/dc/fa (with each letter corresponding to the word ending […]
I almost had an accident today.
Let me tell you guys something: I am a top-notch driver. I’m right up there with the driving legends: Dale Earnhard, Ayrton Senna, Jacques Villeneuve, and myself. Really, when I’m on […]
An Evening Shopping
I went to the supermarket yesterday to buy some chicken. It was cold in the frozen food aisle, so I asked the man next to me for his jacket. He […]
Untitled
(Warning: Shitty, unfinished surrealism ahead.) I had to stop at 7-Eleven to get a drink, so I pulled over and parked outside. The lime green light of the sign flickered […]
3:25 AM
(Warning: Surrealism ahead.) It’s 3:24 AM and the sun has long since set. I’m tired and I want to go to sleep, but there’s a riot outside. People are throwing […]
Clementine
I had an orange yesterday—or at least I think it was an orange. When I peeled it, it was green, which isn’t orange, but I still think it was an […]
I may well be an alcoholic. *Revised version has been published
Poetic, edited version: I may well be an alcoholic. How do you know if you’re an alcoholic? Do your friends tell you? Do you stop having friends? Do you just […]
Friday, 2:00 A.M.
Last call echoes through the air, a parade empties into the street. First passes a marching band, walking in step through the February air, humming and clanking glass bottles in […]
How to explain to your parents that you’re a starfish.
I wrote this a few months ago as satire to an article I saw about how “wrong it is” to come out of the closet to one’s parents (in terms […]
How to Identify a Terrorist
Terrorism—we’re all familiar with it. We’ve seen the footage and read the articles; we’ve been taught how to survive an attack and when it is appropriate to fight. But, do […]
Look at my shirt. It’s awesome.
Look at my shirt. It’s awesome. It’s absolutely incredible. Do you know why it’s incredible? Well, do you? Of course you do. It’s because it has a picture of a […]
Life Stories: Cow tipping from the point of view of the cow.
This grass is amazing. Holy crap this grass is good. I don’t think I’ve ever had grass as good as this. It’s just incredible. What do they put in th–oh […]
Why sex with a porcupine is a terrible decision.
The porcupine is an interesting rodent. It’s one of the most fashion savvy (as seen through its intricate coat of quills) and in-your-face. Just try to tell a porcupine how […]
Oh look! I’ve started another “blog” thing.
A weblog, as I define it, is a website for desperate writers to expand on their twitter accounts. With this in mind, I’ve decided to no longer refer to this as a “blog” or “weblog,” but instead as a “blarg” or “weblarg,” respectively. It’s like a mixture between “arrrgh” (which is pirate speak for “hello”) and bl-arrrgh (which is pirate speak for “bl-hello”).
Words. On the Internet. 