Obama Adventures: The United States Transforms Into a Jet
“Mr. Obama!” shouted Hilary, kicking in the door to the Oval Office. “Don’t touch that fucking shit-cunt of a button!” “Why not, Clinton?” Obama said, tenderly rubbing the button as […]
Category Archives: Comedy
You’ll laugh your wiener off (and if you don’t have a wiener, you’ll grow one, then laugh it off).
Jesus Suffers a Bit of Stage Fright
“Hey, Jesus, how about some wine?” “Huh?” Jesus said, turning around. He softly brushed his long, brown hair out of his eyes with his left hand, careful to keep the […]
The Pun Outlaw: Crime and Punishment
“Sir, I was looking for you,” Howard said, staring at the back of the chief’s neck. “We got him.” He turned around slowly, eyes staring down at a manila folder […]
I’m Not Very Good At This: Chapter 1
(This is the first chapter to a novel-length story I’m working on. Title is very tentative, as is this chapter. And I need to make a real picture, rather than some random […]
Howard Requests a Trial by Combat for a Speeding Ticket
Trial by combat. It had seemed like such a good idea at the time: the short, fat judge wide-eyed as Howard uttered the words. It just made so much sense. He […]
Historical Bang Bus: A Natural Selection
Chaz glanced out the window of the bus as it slowly crept down the street. None of the people were right, they were all too stained. He wanted someone innocent, […]
A Kindergartener with the Inner Monologue of a Pedantic 35-Year-Old Struggles With His Seat Belt
It was cold out, the gusting wind harsh against my exposed face. Mother had told me to wear my hat and scarf so as to conceal my skin from the […]
Space Rednecks: Protectors of Intergalactic Property
“Hey Chuck.” “Hey Billy Bob.” “You see that there dang pile of rocks in that there corner?” “Sure do,” Chuck said. “I’m thinkin’ that rock pile is givin’ us a […]
Russia Accidentally Catches on Fire
“Hey Dave,” Chuck said, left hand resting against the window as his right hand grasped the bar below it to stabilize himself. “Yeah?” “Remind me, was Russia always on fire?” […]
An Actual Letter from Former President Barack Obama to His Replacement
Hey Dogg, It’s President Obama. Well, former-President Obama. What’s good? Don’t bother responding to that, this is an email and I won’t be able to hear what you said. I […]
An Excerpt from a Romance Novel Written by a Homeschooled Feminist
Steven leaned naked against the frame of the open bathroom door, his gleaming member dangling like the tail of a dog that knew it’d done something wrong. She stared at […]
The Mysterious, Pink “Kill Yourself” in the Night
Chuck stared at the sign on the building, the words “Kill Yourself” back-lit atop pink, glittery letters. He hadn’t seen the color pink in decades—or any color, for that matter. […]
Chuck Grylls: Office Survivalist and Potential Murderer
Chuck pulled at the tie around his neck, the loop tightening under his chin, his eyes staring into the hazy, rectangular mirror above the sink. He looked good, rather more […]
Medically Induced Swole Shame [TRIGGER WARNING]
I was swole shamed by a doctor this week, mocked and humiliated by him in front of my peers, simply because of his hatred for mid-bulk, able-bodied people like myself. […]
Dave Learns the NBA Does Not Support the Throwing of Babies
“No, you can’t do that anymore,” Andrew said, left hand on his hip, right pointer finger raised and shaking back and forth. He was the sassiest ginger kid Dave had […]
God Forgets About the Binding of Isaac and Attends a Gnarly Rager
“Sorry Abe, I’m back,” God said, appearing in front of Abraham in the form of an emerald-green lizard-man. He was roughly six feet tall and completely covered in scales, his […]
Swole Shamed by the Police [TRIGGER WARNING]
I’ve heard people claim that prejudice is dead, replaced in the modern era with acceptance and equality. I’ve heard it said that racism, bigotry, and body-shaming were a thing of the past. Call […]
Gladiators and Dragons: Oh Crap, Whoops.
Leor paused, his sword raised over his head. Sweat-soaked hair dipped slightly into his vision, inadvertently blocking the blinding glare of the sun. The gladiator lay flat on the ground, […]
An Inefficnent Debate Amongst Gods, Titans, Deities, and a Black Guy
Zeus rose to his feet, his robe catching the edge of his chair slightly as he stood. “I will not stand for this,” he shouted, then paused. “Figuratively.” “Just give […]
The Falafel Life Chooses Chris
Chris shoved his hand into his pants pocket and pulled out his phone. He frantically flipped it open and began scrolling through his contacts, his other hand gripped firmly around […]
The Dangers of Injecting a Marijuanas: A True Made-Up Story
Chaz lowered his eye to the door’s peep hole and peered through. A thin figure stood on the other side, body deformed by the convex bend of the glass. He […]
Mark “Bruce ‘Die Hard’ Willis” Smokes His First Cigarette
Mark unzipped his neon green fanny pack and plunged his hand into its depths, frayed edges tickling the wrinkles on his hand as he descended. He fumbled around within, moving […]
Dating Advice: Mysterious Chuck’s Unisex Book of Dating and Pickup Artistry
Mysterious Chuck’s Unisex Book of Dating and Pickup Artistry Chuck’s here to revive your dying dating life! Let’s face it: When it comes to relationships, you’re trash. You’re better off […]
Claire Flirts Dangerously and Learns Hieroglyphics at the Bank
Claire held her palms out in front of her and stared down at her nails. The cheesecake yellow paint was already beginning to peel off around her cuticles, despite having […]
Nice Guy Harvey Dates The Last Woman On Earth
Harvey smiled as he pulled open the car’s passenger door. He took a small step back and stretched out his arm. Molly turned her head to the right slightly and […]
David Introduces His Orthodox Mother to His Mallard-Lover
Writing Prompt: A man (or woman) falls hopelessly in love with a duck, but his/her family refuses to accept their romance. // David stared down at the table. It had […]
Henry Spends His Hard-Earned Cantaloupes
Writing Prompt: All Currency in the World is abolished. What are the Consequences?// Henry stood at the counter and fumbled around in his jean pockets. He’d recently replaced them with large, […]
Chuck Grylls: Sassy Survivalist
Chuck knelt down, eyes fixed forward. The forest ahead was incredibly thick, allowing him vision of no more than a few feet, let alone the few miles he assumed he […]
A Humerus Discovery in Space
[WP] A group of Astronauts make a shocking, yet somehow humorous discovery.// “Robert, seriously. You’re a god damn astronaut. You need to learn to spell a little bit better,” radioed Huston. […]
Howard, American Hero vs. Illegal Aliens
Writing Prompt: Aliens threaten the Earth with apocalypse unless one person is surrendered. Write from that guy’s perspective. Howard stood still and looked up at the sky. It was dark out, […]
Chuck Gets a Promotion at his Desk Job in Hell
Writing Prompt: You’ve spent an eternity in Hell, and now you’re getting a promotion. Chuck stared at the hands of his watch. He’d been wearing an analog watch for millennia at this […]
Dave Breaks the Fourth Wall
Writing Prompt: Break the Fourth Wall Dave walked into the kitchen, allowing the door to slam behind him with a tremendous crash. He whipped his hair back, bracelets jingling with […]
Prometheus Goes to the Market
Writing Prompt: Two powerful warriors (soldiers, supers, etc.), sworn to fight to the death, keep finding increasingly ridiculous excuses not to do so just yet. Prometheus tapped his toe impatiently as […]
The Great Bland
Writing Prompt Given: “Write about 500 years worth of history in a real or made up country/region/planet/whatever” The Great Bland (1300-1899) Taking a break from the riveting, violent history of […]
50 Hues of Silver: Chapter 8
Mona woke with a startle, blinking as her eyes slowly began to focus. She stared up at her ceiling and watched as the wooden fan spun, gently tussling her sweat-soaked […]
50 Hues of Silver: Chapter 7
Mona Vee sighed and glanced at the floor, contemplating what was quickly becoming her future. Of course she saw Edwardo Peen in it, but the way he treated her left […]
A very old story about bears.
It was a cold night. The coldest night ever. Lotox wasn’t a fan of the cold, it always made him tired. Perhaps it was the copious amounts of sleeping pills […]
I almost had an accident today.
Let me tell you guys something: I am a top-notch driver. I’m right up there with the driving legends: Dale Earnhard, Ayrton Senna, Jacques Villeneuve, and myself. Really, when I’m on […]
I may well be an alcoholic. *Revised version has been published
Poetic, edited version: I may well be an alcoholic. How do you know if you’re an alcoholic? Do your friends tell you? Do you stop having friends? Do you just […]
Words. On the Internet. 